Fiddlemama

Stuff and Life on the Road

2012-01-17T17:45:00.001-05:00

I wrote this on January 2, 2012. What makes it more relevant now, as opposed to 15 days ago, is that I'm leaving for AZRF in 10 days.

2011 wasan interesting year for me, and don't get me started on howinteresting is a terrible descriptor. I know, I know, I know. Moving on, 2011 was definitely interesting. When I was in Arizona last year Ifound a Winnebago. For those of you new here, I've been a performeron the Renaissance festival circuit for several years, but I wentcloser to being full time on the road last year. Being on the roadthis year was eye opening. I worked new shows, met a lot of wonderfulpeople, and had some incredible experiences. In 2011 my daughter andI traveled to Arizona, Virginia, California, Pennsylvania andLouisiana. In 2012 I'm looking to expand our travels to Carolina,Texas, Maryland and Wisconsin.

Goingback to the Winnebago, or as I call her, the 'Bagel. Living in a 23foot RV is a very different experience, especially when you're a packrat. Oh, and living with a 2 year old and a cat. Space is, in aword, limited.

Most ofmy friends who live on the road have reached a point where stuff isjust stuff, and they really don't need a lot of stuff. I'm notthere. Don't get me wrong, I want to be there, I'm just not there yet. I have stuff. I have a LOT of stuff. I did a huge purge ofstuff when I moved from Groton to Ithaca last September, but there'sstill so much left. I've been pretty good about not replacing thestuff I got rid of with new stuff, but the stuff I still have justseems to have increased in size. Stuff that isn't necessarilyimportant or necessary, but it has an emotional attachment. The stuffI need to get rid of doesn't needemotional attachment.

Ineed to get over this sense of emotional attachment to stuff. Some things areimportant, like my grandmother's sewing box. Some things are less-so,like the board games I never play. Looking around my house, I seestuff. I see stuff EVERYWHERE! Stuff in crates, tubs/totes andboxes. Part of me wants to take everything that's in boxes ortubs/totes and just bring them to Salvo. Not open them, just bringthem. The problem with that is I'd wonder what wasinthere. Then I'd fret. Then I'd obsess. Then the ADD would reallykick in and I'd be forever wondering what it was that I'd gotten ridof. I'd probably go back down to Salvo and try to find my stuff. That leaves the next option of sorting through each tub/tote and box.This option is not fabulous as I get lost in the minutia. Seriously,I can look through 1 tote and hours will by and I still won't bedone. Just thinking about this is making me twitchy. Bottom line,whether or not I go full time on the road, the sheer amount of stuffin my life needs to decrease.

Oneof the folks I met this year was Anika. She is a sweet wonderful person with a ready smile. She's relatively new to lifeon the road, and she's loving it. She's adapted to it quickly and I think she really gets what it's about. To quote her,and this is from her blog, "When I made the decision to leave, I packed everything I owned into my Jeep. I got rid of all my nick-nacks, which really serve no purpose but to remind you of fond memories, donated most of my books and clothes to the library and goodwill, and drove to Pennsylvania. While living there for three months, Kurt and I basically reconstructed my house (a small pop-up trailer) from scratch. I lived in this new house for 7 weeks in Louisiana, and now it travels with me everywhere I go. After living in Oklahoma for a few weeks, I will then be traveling to Arizona and next, Texas.

It sounds too corny to say that the "home is where the heart is", so how about "home is where my Jeep is"? Every day I am amazed by all the wonderful people I have met and things I have seen that I would not have gotten to otherwise."

Beingon the road isamazing. Every place we go we make new friends, new family. There'scommunity. There are things I get to see and show my daughter, thatwe wouldn't see if we didn't travel. And each time I've gotten ridof things, of clutter, it's been incredibly freeing. It felt good. It definitely soothed some of my ADD triggers. It made life easier.

The next question, what do I reallyneed vs. what do I think I need. As of January 17, I have 10 days to figure it out.

A little bit of blather

2012-01-16T23:21:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good weekend. It finally felt like Winter for more than a few hours or even for one day. I got some snippets of things written, but nothing really flowed the way I was hoping for. I think I have too many thoughts bouncing around in my brain for things to really come together. Iinstead of trying to force the words out I picked Lily up and practiced for an hour. I picked 4 Irish tunes, 2 Cantigas, 2 classical pieces and the Csardas, which I've wanted to work on for years. I took two hours for a break and then went back to it. I practiced for one more hour and then stopped. Most of what I picked to play had very little shifting, so my wrist didn't ache to much. I worked on my posture so my right shoulder wasn't too stiff. After practice I stretched for a while, and all told I feel pretty good I don't think I can practice for two hours every day, but I can certainly shoot for one hour a few days a week.

The AZRF cross-country trip is looming. LOOMING! Seriously, I leave in 11 days. What can someone do in 11 days? Well, y'all are about to find out. Are you ready? Good!

*long pause*

Well, not right now. Right now I have to eat. Right now I have to work on uploading tunes to my Bandcamp account. Right now I have to stop worrying about leaving for AZRF in 11 days. Right now...

Cue the VanHagar!

I so miss Pop Up Video. And in case you don't know the lyrics to "Right Now", here ya go.

Don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One by one, little problems
Build up, and stand in our way. Oh

One step ahead, one step behind it
Now ya gotta runt o get even
Make future plans I'll dream about yesterday, hey!
Come on turn, turn this thing around

(Right Now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right Now) Come on, it's everything
(Right Now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Miss a beat, you lose a rhythm
An nothin' falls into place. No!
Only missed by a fraction
Slipped a little off your pace. Oh!

The more things you get, the more you want
Just trade in one for another
Workin' o hard to make it easy
Whoa, got to turn. Come on, turn this thing around

(Right Now) Hey! It's your tomorrow

(Right Now) Come on, it's everything
(Right Now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Said a lie to me
Right now
What ar ya waitin' for? Oh! Yeah!
Right Now

(Guitar Solo)

(Right Now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right Now) Come on, it's everything
(Right Now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

It's what's happening
Right here and now
Right now, it's right now
Right now, it's right now
Oh!
Tell me, what are ya waitin' for?
Turn this thing around

Music in movies

2012-01-11T23:26:00.000-05:00

Whenthey announced Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows I got excited, butnot for the reasons you might think. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyedthe eye candy. While I'm nota huge Jude Law fan, I really like his portrayal of Dr. Watson. WhileI ama huge Robert Downey Jr. fan, it's not because he's rather easy onthe eyes. I'm a huge Robert Downey Jr. fan because I think he's anawesome actor. I like that he isn't just Robert Downey Jr. playing apart. I like that when I watch him in movies I see the characterhe's playing. I really liked the first Sherlock Holmes. I liked thestoryline, the pace of the movie, and the music. I think myfavourite track was Rocky Road to Dublin, by the Dubliners, likethat's any big surprise to any of you.

Isaw Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows on Christmas day as part of mytraditional Channukah/Christmas celebrations. I was really lookingforward to it, and I was not disappointed. I liked the pacing andthe story. I liked the new characters. I liked the old characters.Most of all, though, I loved the music. The Roma tunes were...indescribable. I could see them. They made my pulse move, and myfingers itched for my fiddle and bow. Friends took me to see themovie again earlier this week, and I had the same reaction. I needto get this soundtrack, but even more, I need to learn these tunes. I need to play these tunes. Before I head off, let me share thisarticle with you. It's pretty fantastic, and there are some greatclips. Make sure you watch all the clips!

Hans Zimmer Uses 'Sherlock Holmes' Soundtrack to Expose Slovakian Villager Musicians | Billboard.biz

Needing a little Help from my Friends

2012-01-06T17:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Quackers, Fans, Friends, Y'all who are reading...

I need help!

With my poor van Serenity being dead, and no real prospects for a new vehicle, I'm looking at putting something up on Kickstarter. The problem is that I don't know what to offer. This is where YOU come in. What would YOU like from NeidFyre? What would motivate you to donate to the "Get NeidFyre Back On The Road" fund?

Inquiring minds need to know, 'cause I've got to leave for AZRF at the end of January!

Singing with my Daughter

2012-01-05T22:39:00.001-05:00

I sing songs and play fiddle music for DB, and she watches me intently. When I sing, she stares at my lips with amazing focus and mimics the shapes my mouth is making. She has learned to sing several of the songs in my regular faire set list, including the Mingulay Boat Song. Today she floored me.

At naptime she asked for her Lullaby (In a Glade) and as I began she sang it with me. Each verse and chorus. The song is in Ukrainian. UKRAINIAN!!

Here's a link to the non-Milla Jovovich version of the song. FYI, while I love Milla's version, and I sing it about the same tempo she does, I really enjoy this version.

This child is so incredible...

Winter Wonderwhat?

2012-01-03T16:15:00.001-05:00

I'ma freak. I know this isn't a surprise to you, but I thought I'dstart out with this fact.

Today'sfreakiness is brought to you by the words cold, snow and wind chill. I love the winter. There, I said it. I L.O.V.E. The winter. I'dmuch rather have the temperature cool or cold than hot. Really, Ican't stand the heat. Hell, I don't even like it when it's toobright outside.

Inmy closest circle of friends I'm in the minority. They enjoy theheat. They enjoy the sun. They enjoy the... :shudder: summer. Howdoes one actually enjoythe summer? It's HOT. It's often HUMID. And the light. FFS, it'sfrelling BRIGHT out. Stupid Evil Burning Daystar what keeps usalive, but is really painful on my eyes and skin. Also, you can onlytake off so many clothes before you're naked. Once you're nakedthere's no where left to go. The only saving grace of the hot: A/C. You heard me, Air Conditioning. My parents house had central air. Mygrandparent's house had a massive wall unit in the den and another intheir bedroom. All my friends had A/C. A/C was a way of life, man.

Winter,on the other hand... Winter is delightful. The days are shorter. Ifyou're cold you can put on more layers. Snow is beautiful to look at.It can still be frelling bright out, but there's not much I can doabout that. Winter is hot chocolate, the smell of stews and soups,roasts and evergreens. Winter is snuggles and tea. Winter isbeautiful. Winter is snow. Winter is brisk. Winter is skiing,tobogganing, and ice skating. Most of all, Winter isn't hot.

Thewinter this year has been incredibly mild. It was in the 40's and50's the week of Christmas. 40's and 50's people! WTF? Last nightwe had a lake effect advisory. The temperature dropped to the singledigits, and this morning it was between -5 to 5 depending on the windchill. There was even snow. Granted, it wasn't a lot of snow, butthere was snow!When I went out today I had to wear a hat, scarf, coatand gloves. It was fantastic.

Iknow that Longest Night has passed, and the nights are gettingshorter. I know Spring will be here soon. I know the Evil BurningDaystar will mock me with its glare. Until then, I just want to enjoythe Winter. I don't care that I'm in the minority. Bring on theWinter.

Going through the motions

2012-01-02T19:56:00.000-05:00

2012. I haven't touched my blog since May 2011. (The post prior to this doesn't count, as it's from 4/8/11) It's been just over 7 months. It's a new year. To quote Dr. Horrible, "It's a brand new day..." I'm not a big one for new year's resolutions. They don't work for me. I am, however, all for working on changing behaviours that need adjusting. Maybe it's semantics, but I look at like I look at dieting. Diets don't work. Changing the patterns of how I eat and what I eat does work. It's a lifestyle change, not a quick fix.

So what do behaviours do I want to change? I think one of the biggest is that I need to let things go and let things out. I have bottled up so many things and it does me no good. I want to do so many things and be creative in so many ways, and I take steps to start but never seem to get over the hump to make these things consistent. I'd like to change that this year. As for being creative, I'd like to play more music and write more. With that, I offer you this, my first post of 2012.

***

I'm curled up on my bed, Lyric is curled up on my body pillow and as I'mtyping this I'm watching Grimm for the first time. I was very excitedwhen I heard Grimm and Once Upon A Time were airing. While I reallymiss having cable, I adore Hulu and Streaming Netflix. In my copiousspare time I try to catch up on things, but I'm finding that I havesweet little copious spare time. Being a huge fan of TV, I find thissomewhat inconvenient. Who wants to clean the kitchen or put thelaundry away when The Big Bang Theory is on, or House, or Sanctuary, or Eureka, or How I Met Your Mother, or Backyardigans... dearGods.... Backyardigans. :shudder: Now I need to add Grimm to thelist.

When I say that I'm a huge fan of TV, I mean a Huge.Fan.Of.TV. I grew up ina house full of TV's. FFS, my grandparents had a small TV in theirkitchen. My folks moved us to Fort Salonga when I was in the 3rdgrade. It was a ginormous contemporary in the woods. There was asunken living room, a finished basement that I never went into, andmy bedroom had a Dutch door. I had a frelling Dutch Door!!! Sufficeto say, I thought my bedroom was awesome, and it was probably my favourite bedroom of all time. The best part of this, however, was the fact that my brother and I had TV's in ourbedrooms. You read that right, I was in the 3^rdgrade and had a TV in my bedroom. I believe I was 7 going on 8, but I can't remember. Jeeze, maybe if Snufleupagus and Big Bird were involved I'd remember, but I digress.

So my family had just moved to FortSalonga and I didn't have a lot of friends. I made the TV myfriend. I talked about TV all the time. I watched TV all the time.To this day, I can tell you about the search for “Mount Snuffleupagus” in fantastic detail. The fact that I would regale my family with tales of what happenedon The New Zoo Review and Sesame Street every single day was probably the first clue to my folks that I was watching too much TV. I know the undiagnosed ADD didn't help with the fact that I could sitdown in front of the TV and watch for literally hours and not realizehow much time had gone by.

After the whole nearly burning down my bedroom at 5am because of some faulty wiring, but that's another story, my parents decided that I was watching too much TV and took the TV out of my bedroom. At some point I didn'twatch TV at all during the week until I was in high school which led to my love affair with reading,but again that's a different story. After I moved out of my parents houseI had cable. I had cable in every apartment and house I lived in. Ihad cable until about 5 or so years ago because it just got tooexpensive. I miss it. I miss being able to watch the newest episodes of things when the originally air. I miss being able to watch whatever I wantwhenever I want. I miss the luxury of it.

Nothaving cable or watching much TV in the past few years combined withbeing on the road more has changed my opinion on TV a little. I'mnot so married to the idea of having to keep up with my “stories”.I'm ok with not having cable. The time I spent glued to the tube canbe spent doing other things, like playing with my daughter, orreading, or cooking, or practicing, or cleaning, or having sex. Thatdoesn't mean that when I have completely free time that I don't plantmyself in front of the computer and catch up on things. I do. (Stillwatching Grimm as I type this out.) It just means I don't get hookedall the time. Or most of the time. Really I need to go to bed, butthere's just 2 more episodes before I'm caught up. Did I mentionthat tomorrow is still part of the holiday weekend?

***

I wrote that post last night with the full intention of posting it, but I fell asleep watching Grimm. Right now I've got season 6 of Buffy streaming onto my TV and I just finished watching "Once More With Feeling" as I edited this post. As for now, I think I'll keep Buffy on, make some tea and start conquering Mt. Washmore. Seriously, I can turn it off at any time...

ADOS

2012-01-02T18:32:00.000-05:00

POSTDATED- Does anyone know how to postdate posts that were drafts but never got posted? This is from 4/8/11

Initially I was going to blog about muumuu Friday. That, of course, was Friday. Right now it's Monday. It's mostly Monday. Well, it's 4:11am, that fantastical time when I realize that I haven't gone to bed yet and I'm not tired, and I'm running on and ADD high. Lets go back to Friday.

:insert Scooby Doo Audio and wiggly fingers: Scoodillidoo! Scoodillidoo! Scoodillidoo!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FYI: I just spent 20 minutes trying to find a video of the Scooby Doo Wiggly Fingers, but found nothing. I suck at finding things on the intarwebs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's Friday. Wait, it's muumuu Friday. Yeah, you heard me, muumuu Friday. Muumuu Friday was not my idea. Muumuu Friday is a thing that Jessica and the crew at the Arizona Renaissance Festival do. It's pretty much what it sounds like; they all wear muumuu's on Friday. And why not? They're comfy. They flow. They hide those unsightly Hawaiian shirts and plaid shorts. They're forgiving. They're like your sweet Nana who only wants to give you a hug. Before I left Arizona I stopped at a Saver's and I found myself a muumuu. It's lavender with little butterflies on it. It has snaps down the front, and it's got pockets. This isn't the greatest picture, but it still shows me in all of my muumuu glory.

Me & My Muumuu

We are the Music Makers, and we are the Dreamers of Dreams

2011-05-23T14:27:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, not very far away, there was a budding violinist, and she loved to play music.

Music touched her heart and soul the way nothing else could. Boyfriends could come and go, stress could mount, depression could rear its depressed head, but as long as there was music it was all OK. Music made her heart soar, her blood race, and brought a joy to her entire being. That said, the idea of practicing was never fun. She would practice when she had to, and once she got started it was easy to continue. Still, the getting started was always the hardest part.

She was lucky, or perhaps blessed, that music came easily (mostly) to her. She excelled in music at school, played music at summer camp, and dreamt that she would make music her career. She was a big fish in a little pond through her school years. She decided to follow the path and auditioned for colleges across the Eastern coast. She was encouraged by her parents to follow a different path. Music wouldn't pay. Music was hard. Music was a good hobby, but not something to base ones life upon. Music was a dream. Her parents weren't being cruel, but rational. After all, "how many violinists are there, and how many orchestras are there, and how many of said violinists actually get jobs in said orchestras." Better to learn more marketable skills and enjoy music on the side.

She would have nothing of it. Music was in her breath and her blood.

There were auditions. They were scary. There was travel to more auditions. They were just as scary. The letters started to come back. Each letter was received with trepidation, but once opened (and often read with one eye closed) the answers were the same. Accepted. Accepted. Accepted. Accepted. The response to those letters was always the same, with the girl and her mother screaming in excitement and running up and down the halls of their home.

A college was selected in Upstate NY. It was close enough for her parents, and far enough for her to be happy and satisfied.

Classes began, soon followed by the schooling. There was so much she didn't know. So much she didn't have experience with. So much to learn. Practicing wasn't something to fudge around with anymore. This was Serious Business. There was theory. There were scales, arpeggios, position work, vibrato... She needed to be more disciplined in her practice. Her heart and soul poured into the music, but her skills weren't at the same level. She began to practice more often. She would venture to the practice rooms in the bowels of the music building and practice.

And practice.

And practice.

Hours were spent in those small rooms.

At the end of the academic year, music students had a Jury. It was their final exam for the year. For the violinists, they would walk out onto the large, empty stage, and they would play. Everything they worked on for the year would be thrown out for the judges to dissect. This was not was the violinist excelled at. Solo playing was a terrifying experience. Being part of the corps, a strong player in the middle of the section, that was where she was comfortable.

The Jury began. She couldn't hear anything aside from the blood rushing in her ears and the mistakes she made. The results weren't very good. She passed, barely, but she would have to step it up if she wanted to continue on this path.

Practicing began in earnest. This was her path, right? This was her dream, right? MUSIC. The colours, the emotions, the magic that came from playing the notes and being part of the group. MUSIC.

So she practiced. A lot. And then the pain started.

Shooting pains in her wrists and her right elbow. She pushed on, of course. One needs to suffer for their Art, right? Hours at a time, day after day, she pushed on. Her sophomore year was not a good year. Ice, meds, braces on her wrists, nothing helped. She limped along, barely making the grade. There were tears and screams of frustration. Dreams were not supposed to hurt. Her second Jury was not successful.

Courses needed to change as her plans for her future needed to change. The doctors, and there were several, told her that she damaged herself and she could either have surgery, or stop playing. Surgery that wasn't necessarily proven, so said her parents. Surgery was not an option. She contemplated a life without music and found it was bleak. Too bleak. She thought about not continuing anymore, and attempted not continuing anymore.

Her junior year included a lot of therapy. She continued to play, but very infrequently. She sang more, but it didn't touch what she felt when she played her violin.

Her senior year came and went. She played even less. Then she stopped playing.

For five years.

She didn't touch her chosen instrument. She sang less. Music was too painful to listen to.

Life stumbled along. It was a shadowy existence. Music played on the radio, but almost never classical music. The true Changing point happened at Sterling. Walking down the stone and brick path, she heard a violin. She ducked behind the pork pocket booth and stood, slack-jawed, watching a musician play. It was a joyous sound. It had depth, energy and life. It was a deep breath after being under water for too long. It was Music.

She began to play again, slowly. She changed her repertoire. She discovered she's heard this kind of music before, when she was young, and reveled in the feelings it rekindled in her.

Now, some 14 years later, she's still playing. She performs. She still doesn't practice like she should, but Music is part of her life. It is her chosen path, and her career. Still, she rarely plays or listens to classical music because of the pain, physical and emotional, that it stirs in her.

Recently, last night in fact, she turned on the radio and heard the Brandenburg Concerto. It was incredible and she couldn't turn it off. After the Brandenburg they played the Concerto for 2 Violins in D minor. Feelings of sorrow and joy flooded her. The music was so beautiful, and so familiar, but she'd never be able to play them the way she used to. Not without pain. Tears flowed. Loss tempered with the knowledge she could play equally beautiful music without pain was a huge comfort. Knowing she's instilling a love of music in her daughter, and with her students consoled her further. Knowing she brings joy to those who listen to her play reminds her that she made the right career decision. It hurts, but her path is still there. This is not a pity party. Music flows in her life, and in her blood, and thats what matters.

Bach Concerto for 2 Violins in D Minor, Issac Stern & Shlomo Mintz

Is Wednesday the new Monday?

2011-04-27T13:20:00.001-04:00

It can't be Wednesday, but I know it is. The calendar states today is Wednesday. The calendar wouldn't lie, right?

There are new sheets on the bed.
The laundry is in the washer.
The dishes are done.
It's a quiet, sunny-grey afternoon.
It's just lunch time.

Surely Wednesdays move faster than this.

Mondays normally have a certain rhythm.

The "I don't want to get out of bed" start to the day.
The lazy feel to everything.
The sense of time moving like frozen honey.

Very strange...I wonder how to properly take advantage of this. What should I try to accomplish in this strange time warp. The mind boggles.

Not this kind of Time Warp

Love,

Mel

Breaking Matzoh

2011-04-26T12:55:00.000-04:00

2011 is an odd year for me in terms of holidays. The Jewish holidays, to be specific. In a nutshell, and I really will try to be concise here, when I was young my whole family gathered at my grandparent's house on LI for the Jewish holidays. Everyone. Relatives from across the US would fly/drive/bike in. Family friends would be there. I helped my grandmother prepare the feast, and we would eat. There would be stories and laughter and food. Seriously, a lot of food. I remember one year my grandmother made gefilte fish from scratch, and there were fish swimming in the bathtub. I was 3. Really, that isn't something you forget.

The feasts would go something like this: gefilte fish with horseradish, soup, chopped liver on a bed of lettuce with cherry tomato garnish, more soup or gefilte fish, platters of roast chicken and brisket, potatoes, spinach pie, cranberry or some other fruit compote, carrots, greens, have seconds or thirds or fourths of whatever you wanted, and lots of matzoh or challah, depending on the holiday. After 2-3 hours of feasting we would clear the table (we being the women) and reset it for dessert. Dessert was always brought in since my grandmother did all the other cooking. Dessert was fun. There were cookies, coffee, cakes, tea, pies, and maybe some fruit. After 2 hours of schmoozing and dessert munching folks would leave the table and waddle to the various sofas and chairs to chat, laugh and tell more stories. These were epic gatherings, ingrained in my young brain. It's no wonder to me that when I moved out of my parents' home I tried to have that same kind of holidays. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but the fact remains that I love cooking for the holidays and enjoying them with as many people as possible.

Coming back to 2011, I say again that it's an odd year. I don't have much blood family left, and my friends and chosen family are further away than in previous years. Money isn't plentiful and food is expensive, so this Passover I didn't have a seder. It was weird. I wanted to commemorate the holiday, however, so there was matzoh. We had matzoh every day. I made matzoh brei, and for the first time ever it turned out almost as good as my grandfather's. I made matzoh pizza, which was a huge hit with DB. I had open faced matzoh "sandwiches". It wasn't seder, but it was a taste of Passover. Then I got an email from my friend Mark. He was going to have an end-of-Passover dinner Monday night, and did I want to come.

I squee-ed. Literally, I used my out-side voice and said, "SQUEE!" I emailed him back immediately and asked what he needed. I could make chopped liver, charoset, or some kind of dessert. I'd just seen 2 recipes for Passover kugel (one savory, one sweet). He requested the sweet kugel.

I made the apple matzoh kugel Monday afternoon. Mind, I've NEVER MADE this before, so I had no idea how it would turn out. I changed the recipe slightly, as is my wont, packed it up, and drove to Mark's house. A note: the dinner parties I've attended at Mark's have ranged from 5-15 people. They're always filled with amazing food. Several of the folks who attend these parties are professional chefs. To say that I was nervous about my kugel was an understatement.

I pulled into the driveway, and was a little surprised that I didn't see any other cars. I went in, and it was just Mark. There was soup bubbling on the stove, brisket bubbling away in the crock pot, and a jar of gefilte fish on the counter. I asked where everyone was, and he said it would be the two of us and hopefully Leslie. It was an intimate gathering. That was cool. Not what I was expecting, but cool.

We caught up with each other (I'd been out of town for three months), and fought with the gefilte fish jar for about 30 minutes. That sucker would NOT open. I asked if Mark had run the jar under hot water, got a look of "Do what?" from him, and less than a minute later the jar was open. Apparently he'd been struggling with the jar all week.

We munched on matzoh crackers and cheese, had kosher wine (Not Manischewitz!!) and chatted. Leslie arrived with some spinach, and we chatted some more. Leslie sauteed the spinach with garlic and olive oil, and then we sat down to eat.

The feast was delicious. Soup, gefilte fish with horseradish and matzoh, brisket, potatoes, sauteed spinach and salad. The wine flowed, the conversation was engrossing, and it was really wonderful. Mark's retelling of the Passover story was fun and educational. It was lovely. After dinner I dished out the kugel. Did I mention Leslie is a professional chef? Did I mention she makes incredible desserts, has had her own bakery and her food is divine? Yeah. So I serve the kugel and they both LOVE it. By the end of the night the 2 quart kugel pan was more than half gone. To know that these two people with very discriminating tastes enjoyed a recipe I'd never cooked before made me happy. To know that I helped feed people for Passover made me happy. To actually celebrate Passover with friends, and have a small seder filled me with joy. It wasn't too big, it wasn't too small. To quote Goldilocks, this seder was just right.

It was a pleasure to end the holiday by breaking matzoh with my friends. You'll have to excuse me now, because I've got some brisket leftovers in my fridge that are begging to be eaten for lunch.

Love,
Mel

Insert Witty Title Here (AKA I haven't gone to bed yet and it's 6:15am)

2011-04-25T06:15:00.000-04:00

I really want to go to sleep. Truly. Seriously. But I would have to wake up in 3.5 hours. I don't think that's enough sleep. I've checked the usual suspects.

It's not the full moon.
Mercury isn't retrograde.
I didn't drink tea or coffee after 5p. (Make that tea, as I didn't have any coffee today/yesterday.)
There aren't any freaky noises coming from inside or outside the house.
I'm not in the middle of a gripping novel that I can't put down.
I'm not engrossed in any of my "Stories".

What the hell, man?!?

Maybe it's time to back away from the computer and close my eyes. Then again, maybe I should just start up a pot of coffee now and hope for the best. Either way, I think it's a crap shoot.

I know... I'll flip a coin. If I was going to be incredibly geeky about this I'd get my camera and document the coin toss. I am now, however, feeling that ambitious, so ya'll will have to trust me on this. WAIT! I can do this in an appropriately geeky fashion! Here we go....

Heads I get into bed. Tails I stay up. I'm using a 1913 Liberty Head Nickel as they don't have any NYS quarters or Sacajawea's.

And... TOSS! OK then.... bed time it is! Sweet Dreams.

Home & space

2011-04-19T20:10:00.000-04:00

We've been home just a week now. The trip cross country was pretty amazing, and I need to write about it. I'm not sure how I feel being home. I miss my Faire Family on the road. I missed my ITown family while we were gone. It's a give-and-take.

I feel like there is so much to do and not really a lot of time to do it. The next officially booked show is VARF at the end of May, but I'm looking for more gigs. I'm always looking for more gigs. :grin:

I will say that it's pretty awesome to watch DB run around the house and have more room to stretch her legs than when we're living in the Winne. That's probably one of the things that's really hitting me right now. There's so much SPACE. A separate room to priv, to cook dinner, to relax, to sleep, to play... it's CRAZY how much room there is here. :grin:

This is a pretty short post as DB is ready for snuggles and bed time. Bye Bye, Everyone! (for now!)

The timing of things

2011-04-01T02:41:00.000-04:00

Who is it that figures out when things should open and close. Is there some secret committee that makes these decrees? Can you picture a darkened boardroom filled with cloaked figures wearing very expensive shoes as they make the decisions that affect the rest of the populous?

McDonalds... they shall be open 24-7 across the country
CVS... they shall be open 10-8 on the east coast and 9-9 on the west coast
QT... they shall be open 6-12, but only on the west coast
Target Pharmacy... they shall be open M-F from 9-9 across the country, except near Phoenix AZ where every pharmacy, minus one, will close at 7p. That lone pharmacy will close at 9p.

I am not kidding. I have never heard of a Target Pharmacy closing at 7p during the week. Where's the convenience? Where's the consumerism? Where's the Love? Where's the freaking complaint box?

This is relevant, because tonight I needed to go to a Target Pharmacy to pick up an emergency inhaler. I posted earlier about the coughing. Really, it's the post prior to this one. If you missed it, you should read it. I'll make it simple, here's the link. I called the Target Pharmacy closest to AZRF to double check that I could pick up a refill, and they said yes. They had the medication in stock, it would take 30 minutes to fill, and would be available within 45 minutes of the call placed by my doctor. Julie, the helpful person on the phone, assured me that I cold pick the inhaler up tonight. This was at 6:35pm. Don't you think it would have been more helpful if Julie said, "We close at 7pm, so you may not be able to pick your prescription up tonight. If you need it tonight, you should call the Pharmacy in Gilbert." Moving along...

My doc called me at 6:45, I gave her the number, and she called me back 10 minutes later saying the pharmacy was closed. Was I sure this was an emergency? Did I really need the inhaler tonight?

Never mind that I'm coughing like a whooping crane with a 10-pack-a-day cigarette habit, how could the Pharmacy be closed? I just talked to Julie! I reasurred my doc that I really did need the inhaler and she said she'd call me back in 5.

I looked up and called 6 Target Pharmacies in 5 minutes. I shit you not, every single one was closed except for the one in Gilbert.

Gilbert is 28.5 miles away. I drove an hour (round trip) because that was the only available & cost effective option. W.T.F.

The happy part of this story is that I was able to get my inhaler, and my breathing is less laboured. I can take a full breath and not cough! Mind, I'm still coughing, but not as much thanks to the mucinexDM. I am incredibly grateful that the Gilbert Target Pharmacy was open. I'm incredibly grateful that my NY doctor called the refill in for me. I'm incredibly grateful that my breathing is improving.

I am, however, still pissed at the boardroom of faceless decision makers. To them I say, "Fie! You are fools (and not the good kind with the silent E at the end)! You are miscreants who make others lives more difficult. You are PITA'S!!!!!" I would say other things to these faceless decision makers, but my brain can't think of anything else witty to say. I'm sure I'm also somewhat distracted by their lovely shoe-ware. I do get distracted by the shiny things.

You know, I feel much better having gotten this off my chest. I've only coughed a handful of times, too. That's Progress!

Love,
Mel

PS: The SuperTarget is pretty snazzy. Not only does it have all the regular Target stuff, but everything is laid out differently AND there's a supermarket area. The best part of this, however, can be summed up in two words: Chobani Yogurt! Yes, the elusive Chobani, that I crave and can find sometimes, but not every time, at Wal-Mart-o' Doom was there in full force. They even had flavours I'd never seen before! Lemon and Mango (two separate flavours). Gotta take the good with the PITA'S with the yogurt, I guess. G'night all!

The plague - I haz it

2011-03-31T18:32:00.000-04:00

I would just like to say that hacking my lungs out and having a fever suck. My hope is the fever will be gone by tomorrow, but this cough... this hacking, horrible, asthma-inducing, bronchial cough of doom sucks. It just sucks. Seriously, it sounds like I have a 10-pack-a-day cigarette habit. Also, the coughing makes my head hurt in fantastic ways. How fantastic? Well, my eyeballs feel like they're going to explode. Yeah.... good times.

OK. Now that I've got that off my chest I'm going to have some more tea, heat up some wonton soup, and pack.

Love,
Mel

Today

2011-03-27T09:59:00.000-04:00

I was pregnant two years ago.
My world was different, on the cusp of change.
At 12:57 pm my world shifted, and has never been the same.

The words Happy Birth Day have taken on a whole new meaning for me.

There is so much more laughter, love and music in my life all because of Her.

Happy Birthday, My Shana Madela, My Joy, My Love.

Today I remember

2011-03-18T13:45:00.000-04:00

I'm supposed to be doing other things right now. I should be showered, have the trash thrown out, and be nearly off-site for my errands so I can be back ON site by 1:00. I'm not. I'm sitting at the kitchen table, "How To Train Your Dragon" is playing, and I've just finished breakfast. I've updated my twitter accounts. I've updated my facebook. I've cried. Now, I'm updating my blog.

Today is my Poppy's birthday. I don't have any pictures handy or I'd post one right now. Mom and Pop married when I was in the 3rd grade. It was the second marriage for both of them. My Pop adopted me when I was 34, 3 months before my Mom passed. Poppy and I were never really close before then. Don't misunderstand me, I loved him. Poppy just didn't always "get" me. Truthfully, no one in my family really "got" me, but that's beside the point. Pop and I had things in common, especially our love of music, but for so many reasons we just weren't close. After Mom passed Pop withdrew from the world. He kept everyone, friends and family, at arms length. All the while he was struggling with a lot of things. He never recovered from Mom's passing, and I think that escalated his health issues. All of that changed in the 18 months before he passed.

It was clear that he had been struggling for a while, but things got to a point where someone needed to intervene. I wish we had intervened sooner as it might have changed some things, but if wishes were horses we'd all be trampled by now.

The 18 months were hard. I watched his mind fade. I watched his health decline. I tried to help him keep his feet in this reality, and after a few months he let me. I wouldn't trade those months for anything. As much as I miss him, the fact that he passed at home where he was comfortable, is the best thing that could have happened. Believe what you will after the body dies, I have to believe that he's with our family. He's reunited with my Mom, who was the love of his life. I can't be sad about that.

There's a whole wiki page about bereavement in the Jewish faith. One of the things we do is light a yahrtzeit candle.

Yahrtzeit, יאָרצײַט, means "Time (of) Year" in Yiddish.^[13] (Alternative spellings include yortsayt (using the YIVO standard Yiddish orthography), Yohr Tzeit,yahrzeit, and yartzeit.) The word is also used by non-Yiddish-speaking Ashkenazi Jews, and refers to the anniversary of the day of death of a relative. Yahrtzeit literally means "time of [one] year".

My family has always been a little different. Rather than only light the yahrtzeit on the anniversary of the death, my family chose to also light the yahrtzeit on the person's birthday. My Mom and Gram always said they did that so they could remember the person's life rather than focus on the day that person had passed.

Today I'm going to light a yahrtzeit for my Pop. Tonight I'm going to eat Chinese food and drink bloody mary's in his honour. I will say the Mourner's Kaddish, and I will remember him. I will remember him teaching me how to count 16th notes at the dinner table. I will remember his office, full of pipes and eyeballs. I will remember his love of jazz and big band music. I will remember how he threw handfuls of mashed potatoes on our dinner plates once, but never again. I will remember his love of musicals. I will remember everything I can, all the while relating these stories to my daughter. I miss my Pop, but he's really not gone as long as I can remember him.

Love you, Poppy. You, the Biggest Shanie, will be remembered today by me and my daughter, who is the Littlest Shanie.

Yisgadal v'yiskadash sh'mei rabbaw (Cong. Amein).
May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified (Cong. Amen.)

B'allmaw dee v'raw chir'usei
in the world that He created as He willed.

v'yamlich malchusei,b'chayeichon, uv'yomeichon,
May He give reign to His kingship in your lifetimes and in your days,

uv'chayei d'chol beis yisroel,
and in the lifetimes of the entire Family of Israel,

ba'agawlaw u'vizman kawriv, v'imru: Amein.
swiftly and soon. Now respond: Amen.

(Cong: Amein. Y'hei sh'mei rabbaw m'vawrach l'allam u'l'allmei allmayaw)
(Cong Amen. May His great Name be blessed forever and ever.)

Y'hei sh'mei rabbaw m'vawrach l'allam u'l'allmei allmayaw.
May His great Name be blessed forever and ever.

Yis'bawrach, v'yishtabach, v'yispaw'ar, v'yisromam, v'yis'nasei,
Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted, extolled,

v'yis'hadar, v'yis'aleh, v'yis'halawl sh'mei d'kudshaw b'rich hu
mighty, upraised, and lauded be the Name of the Holy One, Blessed is He

(Cong. b'rich hu).
(Cong. Blessed is He)

L'aylaw min kol birchawsaw v'shirawsaw,
beyond any blessing and song,

tush'b'chawsaw v'nechemawsaw, da'ami'rawn b'all'maw, v'imru: Amein
praise and consolation that are uttered in the world. Now respond: Amen.

(Cong. Amein).
(Cong. Amen).

Y'hei shlawmaw rabbaw min sh'mayaw,v'chayim
May there be abundant peace from Heaven, and life

awleinu v'al kol yisroel, v'imru: Amein
upon us and upon all Israel. Now respond: Amen.

(Cong. Amein).
(Cong. Amen).

Oseh shawlom bim'ro'mawv, hu ya'aseh shawlom,
He Who makes peace in His heights, may He make peace,

awleinu v'al kol yisroel v'imru: Amein
upon us and upon all Israel. Now respond: Amen.

(Cong. Amein).
(Cong. Amen).

A quickie!

2011-03-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post as DB finishes up her afternoon nap.

I have purple shamrocks blooming in my house. Purple. Shamrocks. I ADORE Purple Shamrocks. I realize it may not be easy to SEE the purple against the maroon curtain, but trust me the shamrocks are purple.

I have a St. Pat's Gig!
I'll be playing with Eddie Jeff Cahill and others at The Firehouse for St. Pats. More details as I get them!

Apparently it's time to wake DB up from her nap. Why do I know this? Because Lyric always jumps on the bed to lick the child when nap time is over. WTF?

Stoking the fire

2011-03-09T20:25:00.000-05:00

It's 5:50p in Apache Junction. It's Wednesday. I'm blogging. I'm pretty happy about this. Of course, I've no clue what I want to blog about, but lets sojourn forward.

We're officially at the half-way point of the AZRF. It's shocking, but true. I'm enjoying being here. I love this show. The people (patrons, actors, musicians, staff & crafters) are wonderful. The show itself is beautiful. It's comfortable being here (at this time of year. Don't even think about coming here when the hot weather shows up). And, as much as I adore the winter I am thrilled that DB and I have missed all the storms over the past month. I'm not looking forward to going back to NY because I will miss everyone here Still, I need to head back. There is so much to do in the next 4 weeks. I'm applying for shows across the country. I'm looking to book a number of new gigs (not just faires).

One of the reasons I've been out-of-sorts is because I'm trying to figure out the best way to combine all that I do. In simple terms: Mama, Musician, Poet, Reiki Master. Of course, I've been working on this for a while, but it takes time.

The trailer is slowly becoming home, which is nice. We're much more comfortable this year as compared to last year in Serenity. There are so many storage spaces, that we're still not as unpacked as I'd like to be. I just don't know the best place to put things. This, of course, has led to some ADD triggers as there's a touch of clutter everywhere. Clutter Sucks. Seriously. I have my moments where I feel like my head will implode, but what helps me out a lot is DB. Unasked for hugs and kisses. Little songs. Conversations. She really is incredible. Don't just take my word for it, here's a picture from today. It's astounding to me that she'll be 2 years old at the end of March.

Mischievous Child

So the trailer is lovely, and we're making it more homey every day. In addition to the clutter, I have 2 boxes of papers that are unsorted. I think that's really what's throwing me into a tizzy. Unsorted Paper is evil. I know many of you won't believe me, but it's true. It may not be as bad for you as High Fructose Corn Syrup or Cigarettes, but trust me, it's EVIL. Today I made some headway and pulled the boxes down from the high shelf. Now they can't hide. Everything is in these boxes. Gig info, CD info, bills, receipts. All the important things I haven't dealt with yet. Now I have to take are of them. OK, maybe not now. Probably tomorrow. The point is that I pulled them down. It's the small victories that count.

And with that, it's time to made dinner, skype with friends, and head out to the Rescue Rally.

Just another Manic Saturday...

2011-03-05T09:24:00.000-05:00

I'm in my bathrobe, fuzzy slippers on my feet, and I have a hot cuppa brewing on the counter. It's also not quite 7am, DB is still sleeping, and I'm burning CD's like a madwoman. Yup, it's Saturday, a Festival Day, at the Arizona Renaissance Festival!

It's the fourth weekend, Faery Weekend. It's inconceivable that it's the fourth weekend already. Inconceivable! And before you say anything, dear Reader - I know I have at least one - I know what that word means.

Seriously, though, this post isn't about fuzzy slippers, tea, or how many weeks have passed since our cross country trip. This isn't even a post about how frantic my mornings are. This is a post about movies. Yeah, you heard me, MOVIES!

Yesterday I saw two animated flicks that blew me away. First was Rango. This movie is amazing. Don't believe me, read Mr. Ebert's review. The movie is fantastic. For those of you who don't like spoilers, trust me, I'm not posting any. The voice acting was phenomenal. The humour was more for the adults, but it wasn't raunchy. The animation was spectacular. The music was amazing. There was PLOT. There was humour. There was NO 3-D. I had a fantastic time, as did the audience I saw it with based on the guffaws and laughter that filled theater. This was a Good Time.

Last night I watched How to Train Your Dragon for the first time. I had no idea what to expect, but I was thrilled that I was watching it in 2D. It was FUN. It was more family friendly than Rango, and the music was superb. The voice acting was a hoot. Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera and David Tennant! Christopher Mintz-Plasse was also great. The dragons, a large part of the flick, were well done. Again, you will find no spoilers here, but let me tell you that I am always a little worried about how dragons are portrayed (drawn, characterized & voiced) in films. What can I say, I'm a big of a dragonphile. No worries in this movie. Here's a review from EW when it first came out. While I liked Rango a little more, How to Train Your Dragon will be moving onto my "Must Own & Watch with DB Often" list. In addition, I'm going to find the books (either the audiobooks, which were voiced by Mr. Tennant, or the paper version) and read them.

If you like films, animated or not, I highly recommend both of these movies.

Happy Watching!
Love,
Mel

Disconnecting

2011-03-01T16:53:00.000-05:00

I like the internet. I like being connected to friends all across the world. I like watching silly things on youtube. I like writing things on LiveJournal, playing games on FaceBook and tweeting things throughout the day. I enjoy being connected That said, it's nice to disconnect too. Turn off the phone, unplug the computer and just enjoy the stillness. Do you know what I don't like? Forced disconnection.

Last year the wifi service at AZRF was atrocious. Seriously, I could barely get anything done. It wasn't just me either. Most of the folks onsite had a horrible time with the wifi. This year its been terrific. Really, a complete 180. I've been able to use skype, watch hulu, watch youtube and there have been few-to-no glitches. That is, until two days ago.

I get really frustrated when I can't get online. Really. Frustrated. To the point where I want to cause bodily harm to things. I know, that's not very Om of me, but it's the truth.

I tried everything possible to figure out why my connection wasn't connecting. I had friends help me. I rebooted my system more times than I can remember. I called the help line six times and left detailed messages. They never called me back, which just pissed me off further. Today, however, I finally got through to someone. We spent 10 minutes chatting about the problem, and the tech kept saying, "I've never seen this problem. Are you sure you're not mistyping your user/password?" I refrained from any profanity or voice raising and was quite adult about the whole thing. For those of you that know me, you know how amazing this is.

We finally got the issue resolved (as you can tell by this post), but the problem shouldn't have happened in the first place. The tech agreed with me, which made me feel somewhat better. Then I asked for service and the tech asked why. I explained that I wanted some recompence for the missing days. I paid for the days, after all. The tech said, "Oh, I'm with customer service too. We can't do anything."

OK, I can understand glitches in a system. I can understand customer service not returning any of my calls because perhaps they were very busy. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt for that. What I can't understand is stupid customer service. Is the company so small that the tech's are also the customer service people? Is the company so non-user friendly that they won't extend my end date by 2 days because of a glitch? Yeah, no. Big. Fat. No.

In the end, I got my connection running again and there's a note for someone to give me a call tomorrow about extending my service for 2 days. You can bet your left earlobe that if I don't hear from them that I'll be calling.

Don't screw with my internet connection, man. You won't like the outcome.

Om & cuteness

2011-02-26T23:45:00.000-05:00

I know that the Om is a popular concept in the real world, but in the Ren Faire world, it's not just popular, it's infectious. Seriously, it's like a disease, but in a good way. By this, I mean that nearly everyone I've met has an Om on their person (jewelry/tattoo/accoutrement), in their trailer/house, or their vehicle. Before joining the ranks of Traveler, I didn't see Om's that often. I'd heard about the concept, but I didn't really know anyone that LIVED the concept of Om.

Om is pretty awesome. To take a quote from the Wikipedia page, Om has the literal meaning of "It is" or "Will be". It is the aorist future form of Agu "to become". With all the crazy in my life, Om has become really important to me. The funny thing is that I almost feel like a poser with the Om's I have around me. I have a few. I have one on a piece of jewelry, one on a pouch, and one on a wall hanging in my kitchen. I look at the symbol and almost instantly feel relaxed and a sense of calm. The reason I feel like a poser is because I don't necessarily "Live the Om" or embody the what the Om signifies like so many folks I know do. I'm getting there, though. Here's the Om in my kitchen.

One of the folks I've been spending a bunch of time with is Auntie Raven (not her real name). She's a fantastic singer and storyteller at AZRF. She and DB have really bonded, which is awesome. Here's a picture of the two of them watching Findng Nemo. Well, zoning out, right before bedtime. This pic is from this weekend, Pirate Weekend, at AZRF. One of the fun things about Auntie Raven, is that even though she doesn't have an Om's, she really does embody the spirit of Om. She is one of the most positive and grounded people I've ever met.

And with that, I'm off to Bedfordshire. Tomorrow is going to be another fabulous day, even with the wet weather we're expecting. I'm looking forward to it. I've got the best job in the world. I get to play, make music, and meet new people. It doesn't matter what crap is going on in my life, as long as I can make music things will be good.

Nighty night.

The ins and outs of it

2011-02-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting on the couch/at the table in our trailer, and I'm shocked at how time has flown by. As of today I'll have been living at the AZRF site for three weeks. Time is so fluid down here. The third weekend of faire will be here in two days. TWO days. It's mind blowing.

I've been sticking close to the trailer, spending time with a small group of friends, and just remembering to breathe. I'm not really into my groove yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer to it.

Cooking in the trailer has been an experience, and my favourite thing to make is Terry Foy Delight. It's a quickie crock pot dish that sounds like it wouldn't be good, but it really is delicious. I've also started drinking tea on a regular basis again. My new favourite is the Revolution Chai.

I thing the big thing is that I feel really disconnected. The twitter client I was using went away (UberTwitter) and I've only just found UberSocial. The 'net access on site is much better this year, but I'm just not spending as much time online as I was in NY.

DB has fallen in love with Finding Nemo. She wants to watch it every day, and she enjoys talking about Nemo and Dory. She's not as enthralled with the sea turtles, but she's young. I'm teaching her "Fin" and "Noggin".

This is one of those times where my brain is petering out. Time for me to head off, enjoy a cuppa, and read before I head to bed.

An earth shattering kaboom!

2011-02-22T01:50:00.000-05:00

Actually, it's the opposite of kaboom. It's an earth shattering SILENCE! I don't mean my life has been silent. I mean I've been been up to my eyeballs in life, but my online presence has been tucked away, packed in moth balls.

Why, I can hear you ask, have you been off-line? It's more fun to e'splain rather than to sum up.

First, there was the influx of snow which delayed the drive across the country for 5 days.
After that passed, there was the actual drive across the country which took 4 days.
Once our destination was reached there was the panic of "Where Are We Going To Live?!"
After a homestead was figured out there was the unpacking and settling in of said homestead.
In addition to that came the preparation for beginning of the Arizona Renaissance Festival.
On top of all of this, my normal quickie communication, UberTwitter, apparently got slapped down, so I have essentially been incommunicado.

Things are not quite so hectic, but they're not really settled either. Winnebago life is new to me, and while I'm enjoying it, it does take some getting used to. I'm taking the rest of this week to get organised, then my re-entry into the 'Netosphere can begin anew.

Until then, my dears, Be Excellent Unto Each Other!

Writing. Blogging. Posting. WTF?

2011-01-23T09:16:00.000-05:00

Friends of mine are incredible. They write/dance/perform/cook/INSERT SOMETHING HERE every day. Me, not so much.

Sure, I do the normal personal hygiene routine daily. I get dressed. I've even been keeping up with my FLYLADY challenges, and keeping my sink shiny almost every day. Those things are great, but my creative side is feeling left out.

There are bunches of memes making the rounds on facebook and LiveJournal with a "post-a-day" theme. Post a picture. Write something personal. Pick a colour. The subject matter isn't really important here, it's the fact that it's an everyday thing. I know my limits, and I'm not an everyday kind of woman. I can try for everyday, but when I don't keep up I start lambasting myself. That's never a good or pretty thing. Still, I see the merits of the everyday habit.

While I don't think I can handle everyday, and make it an everyday habit, I think I can make a 3x a week habit. Blogging 3x a week on whatever strikes my fancy. Playing music 3x a week to keep me in good form, learning new tunes and songs and making sure old repertoire is still at my fingertips. This, I think, is do-able.

Speaking of writing, there are so many words for what this online stuff is. It's writing. It's blogging. It's posting. Truthfully, I never know what to label it as. When I think of blogs, I think of The Bloggess .When I think of writing, I think of Neil Gaiman. When I think of posting, I think about what I put on my livejournal. They're all different, but the end result is the same: turning thoughts into words, getting them out of the brainpan and sharing them in some format. I still don't have a clue what I should call it, though. :grin:

Odd Bits

2011-01-22T21:57:00.000-05:00

I very nearly typed that as Odd Bins, but this is not a post about alcohol. (Boo hoo, I know) I really don't know what this post is about. There are random odd bits floating in my brain, and I thought I would write them down. Perhaps alcohol should be involved...

Speaking of alcohol, I made hot chocolate from scratch last night. Cocoa, sugar, cocoa chili, milk, salt & water. The magic ingredient, however, was butterscotch schnapps. I didn't have enough milk for the recipe so I added the schnapps. Let me say right now, DAMN! That was some tasty hot chocolate. In the future I can see adding baileys or peppermint schnapps. Those are fine flavours to meld with dark cocoa.

Did ya'll know I'll be performing at the Arizona Renaissance Festival? NO? Well then, let me say right now that I, NeidFyre, will be performing at the Arizona Renaissance Festival for the full run of the 2011 season. I'm so excited to be heading back to Apache Junction. I love my AZRF family, and can't wait to see them all. This also means that I'm going to be driving myself, DB and Lyric, our kitten, cross-country. (I'll be blogging more about that shortly.)

The other day was walking around with DB in her Ergo. I received dirty looks and was asked by 4 people if there was something wrong with my daughter. They wanted to know why she wasn't in a stroller or a shopping cart or walking around next to me. DB is nearly 22 months old and will be 2yrs at the end of March. WTF people. She was having a great time. What is with people in the US that babywearing is considered "wrong". I have friends who wore their babes until they were 3. It's also not just the US. Here's a bit on Carrie Moss from 10/21/10. The title of the article just blew me away, and not in a good way.

Perhaps my brain wasn't as full as I though, because I can't think of anymore to say. I'll just finish with this tidbit, and yes it's about DB. Last week she put her fingers on my eyelids and lifted them up. As my eyes rolled back she said, "Zombie Eyes!". This morning she did it again. :grin: She was considerate about it too. She asked me to take off my glasses, THEN she lifted my eyelids up. "ZOMBIE EYES!" Maybe that should be the title of my next CD....

Over & Out!

Something fantastical and musical

2010-12-28T21:29:00.000-05:00

For the first time in months I took my fiddle, Lily, out to practice. I knew it wasn't going to be for more than 15 minutes, but I was going to practice. I won't go into why I haven't been able to practice, lets just say Life can be a Bitch, but tonight I was going to re-embrace practicing and making music.

As soon as I lifted the case to my lap my daughter smiled a huge grin an said "Play Violin!" She went on saying, "Help! Help bow! Play Violin!" For those who don't know, DB is 21 months old. Over the past 4 months she's sat on my lap and "helped" me bow a few times, but tonight it really was something fantastical.

I played "A Bunch of Keys" and she was furious with me for not sitting down so she could help me. I started the Eklundapolska, and she began crying. "Me You!Me You! Help Violin!" I sat down at the end of the piece and she clambered into my lap.

She took my bow in her and and started to play on the strings while I put my fingers down for a D major scale. I said,"Flat hair, honey. Remember to keep the hair on the bow flat" and she corrected her bowing. I moved her hand from a more fiddler bow hand (choking up on the stick) to the grip and she grasped it easily. We played for 15 minutes easy, and the only reason we stopped was because I realized the time was way past her normal bedtime. She was not happy with me. I promised her we'd practice again tomorrow.

Music has always been my lifeblood. Becoming a mother changed that, as my priorities changed. DB is entranced by music. Mind you, she's heard it all her life, even before she was born. She hears Celtic music and says "Mama Music", even if I'm not the one playing. I have to wonder if music will be as intrinsic to her life as it is to mine. What I know, after tonight's experiment, is that I'll be able to incorporate practicing into my life again, and that I'll have help. This is truly something fantastical!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way

2010-12-28T02:12:00.001-05:00

Christmas is an odd time of the year if you're not a Christian. Let me say right here, right now, that I am not knocking Christmas. I just want to be crystal clear about that. I think the idea of Joy and Peace and Love are wonderful. Giving unto others, being kind to your neighbors and strangers, and everything else that the Christmas Spirit can embody. No, what I'm talking about is seeing the majority of your world celebrate a holiday that you're not truly a part of. There's a disconnect that not a lot of people talk about, though I know I can't be the only one to feel this way.

I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas. Being Jewish, this makes a lot of sense. The allure of Christmas always grabbed at me. My friends in elementary school would talk about decorating trees, making cookies, and visiting with Santa. I didn't get Santa. He was fake, everyone had to know that. I knew for a fact he was fake, because my grandfather, who did not live in the North Pole and who knew diddlysquat about reindeer, dressed up as Santa for some events at Briarcliffe College where my grandmother worked and taught. Lets forget about Santa. Lets talk about the Elves. I can get behind the Elves. Look at history with tales of Brownies, Cobbs, Faery Forts, Jenny Greenteeth, Faeries, Pixies, Dwarves, Dryads and more. How many faery tales are there? How many stories about Elves and Pixies and any of the countless Fey? Seriously, my grandfather wasn't dressing up as Oberon, ya know? My friends believed in the jolly fat man, but try to have one serious conversation about the Fey and get you get labeled a nerd for life. Ah, well, you pick your battles, right? So, back to Christmas.

I never understood what Jesus had to do with Santa, presents, or the holiday decorations that spewed across the neighborhood after Thanksgiving. I also had no clue what Jesus had to do with trees, cookies and reindeer. My friends couldn't explain it, and my family didn't talk about it. The combination of Sacred and Secular always confused me. Again, I am not knocking Christmas, Jesus or Santa.

What I loved about Christmas, being an outsider, were the decorations and the music. I loved the carols. I loved the lights in their garish cacophony. Most of all, I loved the trees. Christmas trees were amazing. Real trees, in your home, decorated with lights, sparkles and so many ornaments. The trees got me every year. I remember in elementary school when I asked my mom if we could have a tree. The answer was a resounding No. Jews didn't have trees. Trees were for Christmas. There was no other discussion. It was fact, laid out, end of story. I have to say, I felt conned, but I let it go. Several years later my family was invited to Christmas dinner with friend's of my parents. Their family emigrated from Scandinavia, and celebrated the holiday with more European traditions. The food was different than the more American/traditional Christmas dinners my friends told me about, and there were amazing decorations. Everything was carved out of wood, and there were candles everywhere. Their tree, however, stopped me cold.

The tree was huge, and by huge I mean it was over 7 feet tall. It was decked out with lights, ornaments, and strings of cranberries. There was a glass finial on the top of the tree, and on almost every branch tip there was a small candle. The ornaments and lights were mostly white, silver, or cream. The string of cranberries popped against the light colours. It was simply breathtaking. After dinner our host turned the lights off in the room, and then he and his wife began to light the candles on the tree. They may have sung Silent Night while lighting the candles, but I don't recall that as clearly. Once they were done, the candles were the only light in the room, and it was magical. It didn't matter that my family didn't celebrate Christmas, for that moment, in the warm glow of the candles, everyone in that room was connected. It was breathtaking. Looking back, I don't think I've ever felt that kind of connection again.

Over the years holidays, not just Christmas, have become more commercial. In college, away from my parents' prying eyes, I celebrated Christmas with friends and had my own "Chanukah bush". After college, when I had a place of my own I would put up lights (indoor and out) and sometimes have a small tree. By then I knew I didn't have a Christmas tree, but a Yule tree. Pagan roots, pagan holiday, and I mixed it with the cultural trappings of the Jewish holiday. It felt comfortable and right to me, but it wasn't Christmas. It certainly wasn't that feeling of belonging that I'd felt that Christmas so long ago.

Throughout college and beyond I dated and married non-Jewish men. I celebrated Christmas with their families, and incorporated their festivities with mine. I was now celebrating Chanukah, Yule and Christmas. Finally, I was celebrating Christmas in a cultural way that made me feel like I was part of it. I'd made the cut! I was Celebrating Christmas.

There was some grand Christmases, and some crappy ones. There were years with gifts, years without gifts. There were even years without trees, but I still celebrated Christmas with loved ones. It was nice. I developed my own Christmas traditions. Like most Jews, I enjoyed Chinese food for Christmas dinner, and I would go to the movies. There were compromises along the way. More traditional Christmas dinners with lovers and friends, so the Chinese food & movie would move to Christmas eve. It all worked somehow. 2010, however, was different.

I didn't have a significant other to celebrate Chanukah or Yule with. The holidays seemed empty, especially Christmas. I read blogs, facebook posts and tweets from my friends talking about the joy of the season, and how they were spending the holidays with their loved ones, and I was back in elementary school again. Don't get me wrong, friends invited me to celebrate with them, but it didn't feel right. I lit the Channukah candles with my daughter every night, and it was sweet. It was calm, there wasn't a big fuss, and the night moved on. I celebrated Yule with my daughter, and it was the same thing. It was sweet, calm, and not a big fuss. Both holidays felt comfortable and inviting. Christmas, however, was uncomfortable.

I made a baked ziti for Christmas Eve dinner. Christmas day we had Chinese food for lunch and we watched movies. Meanwhile my friends online were posting their Christmas stories, tweeting their loot, and I felt like a voyeur. I was out of the loop again for Christmas. Christmas 2010 was lonely. It was an uncomfortable quiet. It was a day where I felt I didn't belong. Christmas wasn't special for me, it was just a day.

I propose this.

I propose that Christmas isn't about gifts, food and insane holiday decorations. It isn't about carols or drunk uncles. Christmas is about surrounding yourself with people you care about, and enjoying their company. It doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas as a sacred or secular holiday, it's the people who matter. I think I want to celebrate Christmas in 2011. I can't tell you where I'll be, if there will be a tree, or carols playing, but I can tell you that it will be more than just a day for me. I don't want to be disconnected. I want to be part of the Peace, Joy and Love that can embody the holiday season. Maybe, by being a part of it all, I can reach out to others who are on the outside and we can all celebrate together. Wouldn't that be spectacular?

What's it really about

2010-12-28T00:37:00.000-05:00

This blog doesn't really have a focus. I have a personal blog on LiveJournal as well as a NeidFyre blog, an unused Myspace account, my website NeidFyre.com, and a facebook account. I twitter constantly, and am fond of FourSquare. Facebook really isn't the place for blogging. My LiveJournal blog is private. Myspace is not for me. I don't really think blogging in 140 characters or less counts as blogging, and FourSquare is all about Location Location Location. That leaves me here, at Fiddlemama.

Fiddlemama seems to be my catch-all place. Originally this was where I was going to post my letters and notes to my daughter. I write my daughter a letter or note every day, you see. It's more for me than it is for her, but it's something I really wanted to do. It didn't feel right doing it online, so I have a paper journal for that. That leaves me with the dilemma again of this blog not having a focus.

I've posted about my struggles with ADD here. I've posted about teaching here. I've posted about gigs here. I've posted my poetry here. It still doesn't feel like home, though. I feel like a guest in my own space, and that's just bloody uncomfortable.

Perhaps the blog doesn't need a focus, and I need to accept it for what it is. I'm not pithy or wise. I am not the most eloquent writer, and my grammar often sucks eggs. Thank the Gods there's a spell check here, because spelling is not my strongest suit. This blog isn't here to impress people, it's here for me. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to impress people. I'd like to entertain people. I'd like it if this blog started getting hit upon hit, and people did think I was pithy and wise. Of course, none of that will happen if I ignore this space or if I only write once or twice a month. It's hard to talk the talk if I'm not willing to actually do the necessary work.

What do I mean, "do the necessary work"? It means writing. It means making music. It means actually living in the world instead of wandering with insecure purpose. I'm so tired of feeling insecure with my dreams and desires. Who does it serve to live like that? Not my daughter, and certainly not me.

I don't want broken promises, or empty solutions. I'd like some more substance with my subsistence.

Thoughts on Solstice Eve

2010-12-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

Sitting at my desk, the smell of cinnamon raisin bread wafting out to me from my kitchen. I have a few hand-fulls of yogurt covered raisins in a dish as well as a cup of watered down oj next to me. I'm ready to sleep, and at the same time I'm wired. There's a scene at the end of Highlander (the first and best one) where Connor says "I know Everything, I Am Everything". I don't feel like that. Not exactly.

Sticking with the Highlander reference, I always thought the Quickening was more than just a money shot. I always thought it was the Calm in the Storm. Everything is moving around you, fast and furious, and in that insanity of chaos the mind is calm. The mind is Focused. The mind sees clearly, and certain things/thoughts/ideas crystallize. Clearly I am not an Immortal (first off in the movies all the Immortals are men and second it's a movie), but I can relate to where Mr. Widen was going with all of that.

2010 has been a whirlwind. Fuck that, it's been a chaotic flux. For much of 2010 I couldn't see straight. There was too much, too overwhelming, to see much of anything. I have, however, been trying to tame the winds and I think I'm starting to see more clearly. Tonight, especially, being in-between wired and spent, I feel like I can see.

~~Everyone~~ A lot of folks have blogged about the Eclipse. I think it's awesome. I'd use a different word to describe it, but I am flitting between dragged out tired & wired, so awesome will have to do. I think tonight is a night for clarity. I think tonight is a time to really see what's going on inside and outside of my brain. I would love to say that I'm definitely going to stay awake to see the eclipse, but I know better. My brain may be functioning, but my body is rebelling. Still, I've spoken to the sky and put out some freshly made cinnamon raisin bread and cream. You never know who's moving about on a night like tonight.

How does all of this tie together? Well, for the few of you reading, let me tell you. Clarity. Being able to see past the emotional baggage I keep piled around me like a wall. That's the problem with walls, you know. Sure, you can block things out like over-due bills and the incoming zombie hoards, but if there's no way for things to get in, then there's no way for things to get out. Creativity, love, music, laughter, friendships.... all of that stagnates if it has no room to move. While much of the chaotic flux around my life has been out of my control, I have to wonder how much I added to it by hiding behind my walls; hiding in the darkness. I'm tired of being in darkness. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm looking forward to the return of the Sun. I'm looking forward to celebrating the New Year, and saying goodbye to the old. I'm looking forward to more clarity and less chaos.

Happy Yule

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2010-11-11T23:31:00.000-05:00

When did it become OK to disrespect a teacher?

I teach private music lessons, and over the past 4 years I've noticed the increasing trend in students and their parents treating me (and other private instructors) disrespectfully. No-shows, last minute cancellations, not practicing, not focusing, quitting because it's "too hard". When did children start ruling over their parents? What is going on here?

No-shows and last minute cancellations (that are not related to being ill, family emergencies or car problems) seem to happen every week. Not only do they happen, but the parents don't want to pay for the missed lessons. This is my Livelihood, people! I have expenses to cover. I have bills to pay. This isn't some hobby, it's what I do!! Why is it so hard for parents to understand this? What about having enough respect for me and my time to call me 24-hours ahead and say, "Janie has a conflict tomorrow and we can't make it." or "Billy isn't feeling well and we don't want to get you sick. We want to reschedule his lesson." It isn't rocket science people, it's called COMMUNICATION. Email, Text, Cell Phones - those are the tools so why aren't they being used? Not showing up or canceling last minute teaches that child that it's OK to not keep commitments. It teaches that child that their teacher's time is not important. It teaches that child that it's OK to disrespect others. Again I ask, when did this become OK?

I understand that students get distracted. I understand that students don't always have a lot of time to practice. Life is full these days. School, family, sports, clubs, pets, chores... these things all take up precious time. These things are commitments and need to be prioritized. By the same token, however, these students signed up for lessons. They made a commitment to me and to themselves to practice and learn an instrument. Not being focused and not practicing is another way student disrespect their teachers. Be prepared - be honest - tell me that you didn't practice and I'll work with that. Coming to lessons yawning, slack-jawed and not being present is a waste of everyone's time. When did this become OK?

Last but no least, the excuse "It's too hard" is bogus. No Shit it's hard! You are learning a new language (reading music)! You are using muscles you don't use at other times! You're doing 18 things at once! If it was EASY then EVERYONE would be doing it. With everything we do in our lives, there is a learning curve. Things are hard at the start, and it's my belief that they will get harder before we reach the top of the curve, and everything we've been struggling with suddenly makes sense. It all clicks, and as we move forward we start the next learning curve. "It's too hard" is not the same as a student saying "I'm no longer interested". "It's too hard" is not the same as "I never wanted to play this instrument." "It's too hard" is a cop-out for not wanting to do the work. I'm not suggesting that parents not listen to their children and force them to play an instrument they're not interested in. What I am saying is asking their kids to stick it out for 1 or 2 more lessons, to see if they can get over that hump may be more beneficial than letting them quit because "it's too hard".

How do I know all this? I've been there. I didn't want to practice. I wanted to quit. I would come to lessons unprepared and distracted. My teacher would talk to me about the disrespect I was showing her and myself, and if that's what I wanted to do then she wouldn't teach me anymore. She put her heart and soul into teaching me (and her other students) and it wasn't worth her time to waste that on someone who didn't get that.

I love my students. I teach all ages, all levels, and each one of my "kids" is special. I know music is a hobby to most of my students, and I have no problems with that. I just want them, and their parents, to see that what they're getting is gift. They're getting a teacher who is investing her time in THEM. They're getting a teacher dedicated to making this a good experience. They're getting a teacher who tries to make the lessons fun and informative. I respect my students and their parents. I'd like to be treated the same way.

Progression Lesson

2010-11-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of false starts. I'm tired of living life through a bubble. I'm tired of regrets and broken promises to myself. I'm pieces of a puzzle, but the puzzle changes and I never seem to get it put together. I don't find any of this to be particularly helpful in actually living my life.

I've been thinking about joy, life, and the future. What's important, what's not important, how I want to live my life. What matters, what doesn't matter, and not caring what people think about me. These things have been rolling in my brain. Now I need to bring them, these things, to life. I need to manifest what it is that I want out of my life. I need to cut loose the anchors that are no longer needed. There is life out there, and I'd like to join the party.

What is progress? For me, I think writing is progress. I think making music and listening to music is progress. I think getting my dishes washed is progress. I think not eating veggie sticks for dinner when I'm home alone is progress. I think taking my meds, On Time, is progress. I think I've made some progress today.

I have to admit, while I don't really like change, I like progress. Progress is lovely. Progress is healing and lessons learned. I think I'm ready.

Poetry

2010-09-28T13:17:00.000-04:00

Thought and Memory

I saw You, watched you, as You

Splashed in a puddle.

It was Autumn, but not a crisp day.

It was wet, and the sky was split between

Sunny and Grey.

I saw You and Recognized You.

I've never seen you have fun;

Play when you think no one is watching.

It was quiet.

The sun-dappled leaves were heavy with rain.

None of that mattered though.

You were playing.

Hunkered down, water up to your chest,

You began to shake.

You dipped your head down, then threw the water

Over your back.

You were nattering on, or maybe singing,

I wasn't close enough to discern.

You were in your own world,

Not mine.

It made me smile, then I wondered where

Thought and Memory were.

I was there, in the moment,

As were You.

There was no past or future,

There was only Now.

I wondered if this was a vacation for you,

A respite from the responsibility of being You.

The thought flew from my head as quickly as it had come.

No questions.

No logic.

No past.

No future.

Now. It was just Now.

Playing.

Splashing.

Enjoying the moment.

gryphon092810

Time Goes By

2010-07-31T22:46:00.000-04:00

Time can be so fluid.

Tomorrow is August 1, Lammas. It's hard to believe we're beginning the 8th month of 2010. So many things have happened this year, not just to/around me, but to so many friends and loved ones. I can't say that 2010 has been a horror (thus far) like most of the 00's have been, but it's definitely had its ups and downs.

My Pop is gone 4 mos as of tonight/tomorrow.
My daughter is 16 mos old.
I start PARF in 2 wks.
My ankle isn't healed yet.
My life is moving in ways I wasn't expecting.

I certainly have regrets, but there have been harvests.

I have met so many wonderful people on my travels to AZ and back.
I recorded a new CD.
My mental health is slowly improving.
My physical health is slowly improving.

Looking around myself, I can see different lifestyles and different directions. I have no idea what the rest of 2010 will bring, but I'm hopeful for clarity. I'm hopeful for health (physical and emotional). I'm hopeful for creative growth. I'm hopeful for financial understanding (which should lead to financial growth). I'm hopeful for joy and love. I'm hopeful for hope.

Lammas
Let the world rest less strongly on my shoulders.
Let the problems of what surrounds me not drag me under.
Let my vision soar, along with my mind and my Voice.
Let the Harvest come. (as though I could stop it)

Let the reaping occur.
Let the wheat be threshed.
Let John Barleycorn do his job, as he does every year.
Let the bonfires rise into the night sky, sharing their light of brilliance, regret & desire.

Be your own Harvest.
Own your regrets, your sorrows, your missed chances.
Be the abundance that you deserve.
May you always be nourished, full of Life.

The Wheel never stops.
Water flows,
Air rushes,
Fire ascends,
Earth shifts,
and the Spirt grows.

Gryphon 073110

The hope and promise of office supplies

2010-07-04T12:59:00.001-04:00

I am a packrat.
There, I've said it.

I looked up the definition earlier at dictionary.com.

Packrat
noun
1. a collector of miscellaneous useless objects
2. any of several bushy-tailed rodents of the genus Neotoma of western North America; hoards food and other objects

While I'm not bushy-tailed, or a member of the genus Neotoma, I do fit the rest of the description. This is relevant for two reasons.
1. My house is filled with STUFF. Boxes, upon knickknacks, upon boxes of Stuff.
2. I am in the process of packing as we need to move by the end of summer.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time. Part of it is ADD-related and feeling overwhelmed. Part of it is the sheer amount of stuff that needs going through, which also feeds into the ADD issues. Part of it is that my darling DB sees what I'm doing and wants to help. That means that things I've put in the box to recycle, or bring to the thrift store, or pack get UNpacked. These things lead to a very unmotivated Me. I'd rather be playing FB games, watching hulu.com, or practicing. Basically, I'd rather be doing anything else. Heck, I'd even go to the dentist if it would get me out of packing. Sadly, I can't do those other things because I must be strong. I must pack.

I've been through most of the book shelves for the first purging, and I've gotten rid of 5 bags of books. It feels good to have divested, but I feel so sad. Those books were like old friends. I didn't want to say good bye to them, but I had to. Next on the list are the office supplies.

I adore office supplies. They hold such promise. They will help me colour coordinate. They will help me organise. They will help me reach my full potential! They will help me feel productive! They will also clutter my space. Pinning my hopes on inanimate objects to help me with such things has never really worked, but it's not stopped me from hoarding pens, post-its, staples, push pins, and folders.

So many emotions are caught up in the clutter of my life. In truth, the emotions and memories take up so much less (physical) space, there's no real need for me to hold onto the tangible objects. That empty bottle of seltzer tells me that it was the first bottle of seltzer I drank, on my own, and enjoyed. It tells me that it was a hot night, and cranberry lime seltzer really hit the spot. It's also been sitting on the floor, under my desk, for the past several months. Recently it took on new life as a toy for my 15 mos old daughter, but really I don't need to keep it. She has plenty of toys, and I can grab another bottle of seltzer from the cupboard when I get thirsty. I can get rid of that bottle Any Time. You just watch me.

BEFORE

AFTER

EDIT: Not only is the damn water bottle gone, but the floor is swept and mostly clear. Go me. :D

Fiddling Around - NeidFyre is heading to Celtic Fling!

2010-06-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

This weekend is the 12th annual Celtic Fling & Highland Games at the Mt. Hope Estate and Winery in Manheim, PA. This is important for a number of reasons.

It's a rockin' good time
Loads of people will be there, enjoying loads of Celtic music
Yours Truly, NeidFyre, will be performing there for the First Time EVER!

You heard me right, my dears, I'll be at the 12th annual Celtic Fling & Highland Games THIS Weekend!

You can find me performing at the Traditional Stage at 12:30, 4:00 & 6:30.

I will have ALL my CD's with me, as well as other merch (duck feet & magnets)

Please come out this weekend, have a great time, and Take Me Home With You (on CD) ;>

See ya'll at the party!

Love,

Mel

Thinking outloud when ones head is over-full

2010-06-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

I may have mentioned earlier that my brain is full. It feels stuffed with chaos, disorder, crap, and indecision. There are times when I just don't know how to sort it, let alone deal with all the things I'm thinking. Normally, when things get like this, my ADD takes me in one of two directions: 1) Super Hyper-Focus 2) Withdrawal & Hibernation. Sadly, neither of those directions are very effective for forward motion.

Trying to combat this, I took stock and decided to have a "Me" afternoon. I took 2 hours for me while MissT watched the Daikini Baby. After that the two of us hung out with a friend and his son in the A/C at the Mall. In addition to not functioning well with an over-full brain, I function even less well (is that even a real phrase?) in the heat and humidity. One thing about Upstate NY, we have weather. It's not like Texas weather, which will change every 5 minutes, Upstate NY weather is consistent. OK, it's not consistent day-to-day, but given half a chance, it'll be consistent for a few hours. This afternoons consistency was made of humid, hot, sunny weather.

While I had an excellent time with my friend, my daughter & my friend's son, my brain kept wandering off. Silly misfiring of things like "I like how chocolate shakes feel on my tongue" to "Breastfeeding in public isn't that bad. I can't believe how less ashamed of my body I am since I had #DB" to "Those archer farms' hummus chips last night were so tasty". Now, take those three things and multiply them by 25. Now, take all those things, and pretend the inside of your head has a radio broadcast on. If you're still with me, turn the volume on all those radio broadcasts to a point where you can almost hear them, but not quite. This, my dear friends, is what goes on in my head all the time.

My friend Marrus said to me 2 weeks ago at SCRF, "You talk a LOT." She's right, I do. I talk to everything. I talk to trees, elevators, people, birds, my lunch, even my phone (as well as talking to people ON my phone). What I'm wondering now is if all that external conversation and noise is an outward reflection of my inner conversations. Don't get me wrong, I adore talking to trees. They are wonderful listeners, and an excellent source of comfort. I do wonder, though, if I could be silent for a while what it is that I'd hear, both in my head and out.

These are the things I'm going to ponder as I sit in the silence of my studio, and try not to talk to my tea mug.

Goodbye

2010-06-23T00:04:00.000-04:00

There's so much going on these days, it's hard to sit down and write about it. My head feels over-full, but it's not the chaos it was after my dad's passing. Tonight my head is full of thoughts about the word Goodbye.

This evening a scene from Sweeney Todd popped into my head. If you don't know, dear reader, Sweeney Todd is one of my favourite musicals. Len Cariou's voice is just... gut-wrenchingly human. The pain, the sadness, the anger, it comes through so clearly. Ah, but I digress. The point of this is the scene in which Sweeney says Goodbye. Toward the end of the musical Sweeney comes to a point where he is killing people, just floating on air, at peace with himself. He seems free. He's made his peace with his past, and he's going forward.

I can see this around me. I can see the letting go, and it's just crushingly painful. I can't express in my own words how I feel, so I will share Sweeney's Lyrics with you.

JOHANNA, reprise
Sweeney Todd
And are you beautiful and pale, with yellow hair, like her?
I'd want you beautiful and pale, the way I've dreamed you were,
Johanna

And if you're beautiful what then with yellow hair, like wheat
I think we shall not meet again my little dove, my sweet
Johanna

Goodbye, Johanna
You're gone, and yet you're mine
I'm fine, Johanna,
I'm fine

And if I never hear your voice, my turtle-dove, my dear
I still have reason to rejoice the way your head is clear
Johanna

And in that darkeness when I'm blind with what I can't forget

It's always morning in my mind, my little lamb, my pet
Johanna
You stay, Johanna

The way I dreamed you were
Oh look, Johanna, a star

A shooting star

And though I'll think of you I guess, until the day I die,
I think I miss you less and less as every day goes by
Johanna

And you'd be beautiful and pale and look too much like her
If only angels could prevail we'd be the way we were
Johanna

Wake up, Johanna!
Unnerve the bright red day
We learn Johanna, to say
Goodbye

Sadly the quality from the original musical isn't very good, so I've a link to the song from the movie version starring Johnny Depp. I don't feel that his voice conveys the same heartbreak and freedom that Len Cariou's did, but think he did a good job none-the-less.

Blogging for sanity

2010-05-22T14:57:00.000-04:00

I need to start with a confession; It's been almost 5 months since my last blog posting.

Many of the reasons are valid, some are not, but the point is that I haven't written much in the past 5 months. Life has a way of dancing, and I seem to forget the steps from time to time.

Things have happened in the past 5 months.

Some of the things that have happened:

My father passed away.
My daughter had her complete cycle around the moon and is now almost 14 months old.
I've been in the studio and recorded a brand new CD.

My head is full of chaos. I need to slow down, breathe, and figure out the dance moves that Life and the Universe are showing me so I can flow with them rather than stumble awkwardly, or fall down.

I don't like falling down. Some people are graceful and fall like a dancer or an acrobat. Some people are NOT graceful and fall like a wounded rhinoceros with a 4th testicle and a mouth full of bees. I am not particularly graceful. I know I will fall here and there, and hopefully it wouldn't be with a mouth full of bees or handfulls of testicles. I know I can learn from my spills, no matter how painful. I think what I'm saying is that falling down seems necessary to self-evolution.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something" (Wesley, The Princess Bride)

If we don't fall down and hurt that 4th testicle, how will we learn how to juggle them? If we don't fall down with a mouth full of bees, how will we learn to open our mouths at the right time and let them go? The process of falling is painful, I don't think there's any denying that. How do we pick ourselves up? What do we learn from our falls and spills? How can we move forward after that mis-step on the runway where we end up ass-over-teacups, and our nether's out there for the world to see.

I've fallen. I've hurt myself. I've not been truthful. I've swallowed my mouthful of bees. Life is pain, but life can be more than that. Life can be rainbows, pretty felted shoes and sleigh bells. Life can be trolls and faeries getting along. Life can be as simple as a hug and kiss from a child, or a delicious glass of iced coffee on a hot summer afternoon.

Forgive me, my friends, for I've not written in almost 5 months. I'm going to stand up now. Want to join me for the ride?

TECH: You confound me so! (Really this is about clutter)

2010-01-12T02:07:00.001-05:00

This evening I was working on my new CD, FAVOURITES when I ran into a problem. Apparently 1/2 of my CD's were bad. Each bad CD had snippets of music or something on them. It was infuriating! The best thing I could come up with, after a calming talk with the hubby, was that the bad CD's somehow didn't get thrown away the first time around. Apparently I just put them back in the bin with the rest of the good CD's. WTF?

I'm not a hoarder, but I feel like I'm on the brink. I am, in fact, a collector, a pack rat, a connoisseur of things past. I don't throw ANYTHING away. Seriously, I have all my papers from all four years of college tucked in a drawer somewhere. I have nearly all the cards I've been sent, for every occasion possible, from the past 15 years in my desk. I have pens, pencils, crayons, markers, and out-dated calendars. I have stacks of papers, no longer in any conceivable order that I trip over regularly.

My studio, which was 90% clean before my Daikini Baby was born, is now 90% full. Of Shit. OK, maybe not shit, but definitely crap.

Why do I keep all this? What's going on in my head? What is the emotional significance of all this stuff? What hole in my soul is it all filling?

Oh the things I ponder at 2:07am...

Foodie: Pork Loin Chops in Apple Cream

2010-01-09T18:09:00.000-05:00

I had some pork loin chops in the fridge that I desperately needed to cook, but hadn't a clue what to do with them tonight. My friend Hel suggested pan fry or pan sear, and my friend Joni suggested a few recipes from allrecipies.com. I ended up making the pork loin chops in apple cream and OMG was it tasty!

All in all in didn't take that long. I had more than 4 oz. of chops, and I ended up cooking them all. We had extra egg noodles, so I went with that. I would also spice the gravy better, using fresh rosemary for starters. Irregardless, this is going into my keeper file and I will make it again. MmmmmmmMmmm!

Bon apettit!

Here's the description & recipe:
"A simple twist on an old Shaker dish. Pork chops are browned, then simmered in an apple cider infusion and finished in half-and-half or cream. Makes a great dinner for two, simple to prepare, hearty enough for him, but delicious by any standards. Can substitute chicken breasts for the pork loin chops."

Ingredients

4 (4 ounce) boneless pork loin chops
1/2 teaspoon salt, or to taste
1/2 teaspoon pepper
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1 pinch ground allspice
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 cup apple cider
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup chicken broth
1/2 cup half-and-half or cream

Directions

Season pork chops on all sides with 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper; set aside. Combine the flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon pepper, nutmeg, and allspice in a plastic bag. Toss pork with seasoned flour to coat, and shake off excess.
Heat butter and olive oil in a skillet over medium-high heat until lightly smoking. Sear pork until golden brown on each side, about 3 minutes per side. Pour in apple cider and bring to a boil. Turn heat to medium-low, cover, and simmer until pork is fork tender, 15 to 20 minutes. Remove pork and keep warm; increase heat to medium-high. Dissolve cornstarch in the chicken broth, and stir into simmering cider; cook for a minute or two until thickened. Stir in the half-and-half and simmer until hot. Serve sauce over the pork chops.

Performing: Why I'm No Longer Afraid To Take Your Money!

2010-01-09T16:16:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about Money, and being a Performer. Happily most of my gigs are paid these days, but I still do free shows, and I still busk. I'm what you would call the "soft sell" type. I have a tip jar (or an empty fiddle case or a hat depending on where I'm busking) and I ask folks to toss in a dollar or more depending on how much they enjoyed my show. I've never been a fan of the hard sell. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not, but I never feel like I'm forcing myself on my fans.

I love connecting with people. I love playing a tune or singing a song and watching the audience, old and young, react. I've made people laugh, cry, and even scared a few. It's an amazing rush, and I LOVE what I do. For the first time, I really LOVE and ADORE what I do. All things being equal, this life doesn't always pay the bills or put food on the table. Almost everything in this world has a price, and like the rest of this country, I'd like to have a bit more in my wallet.

Last September Amanda Palmer talked about this in the now famous blog post "Why I Am Not Afraid To Take Your Money" Take a read. Really hear what she has to say. I think she's hit the nail on the head with this.

I am a Musician and Performer (neidfyre.com). I run with sissors. I live an unconventional life, and I'm so much happier for it. Jane Smith and John Doe get dressed to the nines, work their desk job and get a paycheck with benefits. My job doesn't offer benefits. I don't have the luxury of a weekly or bi-weekly paycheck. I work hard for every show/gig/performance, regardless of the size of the audience and venue. I go out there and give each show my best.

Two years ago I went on the road (away from home for an extended time) for the first time. I drove to Texas with my dog and we lived in a tent for 7 weeks. I worked a small faire and met amazing people, many of whom I'm still in touch with. Later that year I drove to Wisconsin and Minnesota for shows. My "local" weekend shows took me to Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania. I wore funny costumes, sang songs, played tunes, and tried to sell as many CD's as I could. I met some incredible people on the journey. All the while, I may have broken even, and more than likely I lost money. I didn't feel comfortable asking for help, so I didn't. I tried to do it mostly on my own because that's what I thought I had to do.

We're now in the baby steps of 2010. My life has changed a lot in the last 2 years. I'm now a musician, performer teacher full time and I have a 9-mos old baby. My darling Daikini Baby (DB) was born March 27, 2009. I took most of last year easy and didn't do as much traveling on the road due to the pregnancy, but 2010 is starting with a bang! DB and I are leaving for Arizona January 29, 2010 and will be there for 2 months working the Arizona Renaissance Festival. I'm just not sure how exactly we're going to get there.

We're outfitting Serenity (my '92 Plymouth Voygager) for the trip, but gas and food are expensive. I put the call out to you, my friends and my fans, because we need some help. This weekend I'll be putting together a limited run CD (150 copies) called NeidFyre's Favorites. I'll be taking my favourite tracks from all of my CD's to make this compilation. The CD will cost $7.00 (includes shipping/handling/taxes) and will be available January 11 - January 28. Each CD will also be signed and numbered. If you want to know what my favourite tunes are, buy this CD. If you want to introduce my music to friends, buy this CD. If you want to wallpaper your livingroom, buy MANY COPIES of this CD. ;> If you've enjoyed my shows, and enjoy the music I make, please think about pressing the donation button below. If you would like to help and don't want a CD, feel free to press the donation button below.

Thank you all for reading. Thank you all for being a part of my life. I look forward to seeing many of you on my travels in 2010 and beyond.

With love,

Mel

With thanks to Amanda Fucking Palmer for giving me the courage to no longer be afraid

Looking to buy one of my CD's? Want to purchase the new compilation CD "NeidFyre's Favourites" Do you just want to donate to the cause?

Please go to NeidFyre.com/DONATE

At the bottom of the page is a DONATE button. Please fill out the Purpose line with "Donation" or "NeidFyre's Favourites" so I know if I'm sending you a CD!

Much love and thanks,

Mel

A bit of fiddling about, but not really

2010-01-03T18:29:00.001-05:00

When I started this blog in 09 it was mostly to post the letters I was writing to my Daikini Baby. Alas, that didn't work out so well. I'm still writing her letters every day, but I'm not posting them. In fact, I've got 9 months of backlog to post. (insert Oye & facepalm here) Why is this relevant? Well, the original title and address of the blog was Letters to my Daughter. Upon much soul searching (or as much soul searching as one can do in the first 3 days of a new year) I have changed the blog to something more appropriate. The new address is: http://goddessofperk.blogspot.com/ Now, if I could only figure out how to move the "Labels" to the bottom of the screen.

EDIT: Yeah, so this whole Drag/Drop thing on the layout? I just noticed it. :blush:

The ellusive ADD

2010-01-03T18:00:00.000-05:00

A new friend of mine, Matteo, was asking me about the ADD hashtag (#ADD) on my twitters. I knew it was going to take more than the pre-requisite 140 characters, so I ended up a rather longish email. He requested I post it, so here 'tis.

I have a long history w/ADD. I was officially diagnosed in my late 20's because I was tired of not understanding why I wasn't like everyone else/couldn't easily handle tasks everyone else could handle/was having the same problems at every job I'd had, etc. By everyone else, I mean co-workers, relatives & friends.

One of my best friends suggested I check with an ADD specialist. She and her brother had ADD & she saw a lot of similarities between us regarding tasks, getting stalled on things, etc. I saw a local doc who performed a series of tests on me. The result was ADD, but not ADHD. Physically I'm not hyperactive (though my brain has its moments).

One of the issues for me with ADD is I have never been able to find a consistency for getting things done. "Work the Plan" type of consistency. My house is never clean, I never have enough hours in the day to get things done, I get distracted, I get bored, etc etc. Looking back (and discussing my history with the ADD doc and several therapists) I've had this issue since childhood. I can remember my mom getting so angry with me that I couldn't stay on task/complete a simple chore. There were "never enough hours in the day" for me, etc.

John and I have discussed it a lot over the past year (what with a new baby and all) and while I'm very good at taking care of Rowan, I'm incredibly inconsistent with housework. It's hard on him because he never knows if it's going to be a productive or unproductive day. I'm on meds, which helps me a lot. Most of the anxiety I had with the ADD is gone when I'm on the meds. I can focus and stay focused more easily. The noise in my head is much quieter when I'm on my meds. The caveat is that I HATE being on meds. (That's another story, though.) I made a decision when I was pregnant that I would be regular with my meds. Fucking up my head (taking meds inconsistently) is one thing, but with having a child I needed to have my head on as often as possible.

In the past 9 months (Rowan is just 9 months) I've had maybe 3 lapses where I didn't take my meds for a few days. Before then I would go weeks without taking them. It was very frustrating for John because he wouldn't know how to talk to me about it. At that point I would be productive for a few days and then PFT, nothing. Now I am productive for a few months (consistently) and then a few days or a week of nothing.

The #ADD tag is mostly to remind myself when I look back at journal posts or reflect at the end of the day on why things don't get done. "Ah, it was one of THOSE days."

I get sucked into TV very easily, which is one reason I'm glad we don't have cable. (Mainly we don't have cable because it's wicked expensive and our budget can't handle it.) I add the rationalization about the ADD because it makes me feel less like a freak about no TV. (I grew up with several tv's in the house, all my friends watched tv, etc etc. I know it's far more the norm in the Ithaca area not to have tv, but I still feel freakish that we don't have it.) One manifestation of ADD is being ashamed. My house is far from perfect and I get very anxious when people stop by because of that. I'm ashamed of how the house looks, but I can't ever get it clean enough. I'm ashamed of the fact that our finances are such shit that we can't afford cable. These are huge triggers for me if I think about them too much.

TV was my escape when I was younger, and when my Mom started limiting my access to tv, books became my outlet for escape. I can get lost in books and tv (via netflix or hulu) at the drop of a hat. I will be late for appointments or cancel appointments so I can finish watching/reading. No matter how many alarms I set, if I'm engrossed in a show or a book it's very difficult for me to get out of it.

Lately I've been watching Dexter (wow, great show!) and it's screwing with my daytime/eve schedule. I'm trying to watch it all at once so I can move on. Really I should just ration it to 1 or 2 eps a day, but that's not what I'm doing. Yesterday I had to teach in Tburg and I left 30 min after I wanted to because I was watching Dexter and playing farmville. Distraction city... Happily I wasn't late (I try to build extra time into my day now), but I could have been.

Overall the diagnosis has been quite helpful, as have the meds. I try not to use it as a crutch (Oh, I didn't do the dishes... ADD strikes again!), and I get less angry with myself for not getting as much done as I want/planned to get done. It's not always a day-to-day struggle anymore. I am more productive more consistently. I am less ashamed of things. I am less anxious. I am less angry. I am more balanced. I can sometimes use the ADD hyperfocus to my advantage (though sometimes I get so focused I lose track of time). My day isn't as much of a crapshoot as it used to be.

Forgive the rambling. I woke up early and didn't really get enough sleep. I also haven't written much about ADD and how it effects me. We can chat about it more if you want.

Happy New Year's Eve!

Food, glorious food

2010-01-01T20:02:00.000-05:00

I love to cook. I'm a self-described Kitchen Witch, though that's not what this post is about. This post is about Food.

I adore cooking. I love the prep; getting the kitchen ready, browsing recipes, even the food shopping before hand. I love spending time in my kitchen. I love how it gets warm and ends up being a hub of the household. I love sharing the kitchen with friends and loved ones. It's comforting for me to be in there. One of my favourite pasttimes is sitting at the table with a friend, sipping tea and nibbling on sweets and talking about food and recipes. Food is amazing. We all have such intriguing ties to food. Food motivates, comforts, and succours us. On the flip side food can make us feel disgusting or ugly. The sensory perceptions related to certain foods are huge. I know if I smell a certain food it will trigger different memories and emotions. I also know I'm not alone with this.

One of my all-time favourite smells is cooking onions and garlic. It evokes memories of sitting at my Grandmother's knee while she would make the fricassee or the brisket or the chopped liver. My grandparents were the ones that started me cooking. My Grandfather made the best matzoh brei I've ever tasted, and my Grandmother cooked the most amazing things for the High Holidays. I spent every weekend with them from the time I was a toddler until I was 16. I learned how to make chopped liver, baked ziti, spinach pie, brisket, and just about everything else (except matzoh brei). My mom was no slouch in the kitchen either. While I couldn't stand her meatloaf, she taught me how to make the best chicken wings (baked) and how to cook large slabs of meat. Give me a roast, a leg of lamb, a steak, a chicken and I will make you a feast.

While I don't mind cooking for myself, cooking for friends and loved ones fills me with a sense of pleasure and satisfaction. Between traveling, taking care of the Daikini Baby, and my ankle surgery I've not had a lot of time to cook, but lately I've started up again. In the past month I've baked bread and cookies from scratch (I'd never done that before), made homemade doughnuts and cheese fritters for Channukah, (also a first), scalloped potatoes and bacon, and concocted a recipe for leg of lamb from thin air and a bit of help from the Flavor Bible that turned out to be the best lamb I'd ever made. I was nervous making all these new things, but the feedback I got was fantastic.

The bread (rolled oatmeal bread) was crusty but tender on the inside.
The cookies (chocolate crack cookies) have had rave reviews from friends and students. I've even made some changes. I made a batch of rum flavoured cookies, and I've got almond flavoured dough in the fridge waiting to be baked.
The scalloped potatoes and bacon was so delicious that two chefs from Ithaca who were raving about it were astounded when I'd told them I'd never made it before. One of them wanted the recipe for his restaurant.
The doughnuts and fritters were hard to make as I'd never deep fried anything before, but they came out pretty darned tasty.
The lamb turned out so well that I used the same ingredients on a large pork roast. Delish doesn't even begin to cover how good it was.

The amazing thing about this is that I'm terrified of baking. I learned good Jewish dishes for holidays, how to cook meat, and things like that. Baking has never been a forte for me. It's so precise... there's no margin of error... It's not conducive to my mental state! Still, I gave it a try and damn if those baked goods didn't turn our well. So well, in fact, that I'm looking at more baking. I know I need to have more confidence with my cooking. I know I can make tasty things, but making them with confidence somehow makes them taste better to me.

So if you're in Upstate NY, and want to chat about food drop me a line. We've got a well stocked tea cabinet, and I'm sure I could whip up a batch of cookies to share.

Random Impromptus on a Friday morning

2010-01-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

And now for some random impromptus.

I started writing letters to Rowan the day she was born. I've written her a letter every day since, but I stopped posting them. I've got to get back to that.

It's snowing out, there's cookie dough in the fridge, and there's a massive fire across the street that seems to finally be under control. Today is a day of extremes

Right now my Darling Girl is standing up in her playpen, staring at me, crying and asking to be picked up. By asking I mean she's reaching out to me, coughing, crying and generally asserting herself. I think this means it's time for me to get offline and snuggle a certain Daikini Baby.

Happy New Years Day, 01/01/10

Looking Back at 2009 in 38 questions

2010-01-01T11:08:00.000-05:00

Starting 2010 out right with a little theft. I stole this from jupitersinclair.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? I had a baby. Also, I baked bread and cookies from SCRATCH! Go me :D

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make for next year? I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Life requires that you look at yourself & assess your personal goals on a regular basis,not just once a year (Truth be told, I stole this answer from Jupiter as I agree with her 100% on this)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Several friends had babies this year, and while I'm overly close with them, I am thrilled for them.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No humanbeans that I am close with died in 2009, but I did have to put my beloved FeyFey (10 yr old Norwegian Forest Cat) to sleep in December.

5. What countries did you visit? I didn't travel outside the US border this year, but I do think that Long Island counts as a different country.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? More peace of mind.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? March 27, the day of my daughter's birth. Nov 3, the day of my ankle surgery.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I had a BABY! :grin: I actually HAD a baby. I was scared, terrified, nervous, but with love and support from my family I had her sans drugs. It was pretty incredible.

9. What was your biggest failure? I have no idea.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Thankfully the swineflu didn't hit us, but we have dealt with several bouts of lung gunk. I also managed to hurt my ankle pretty severely when I was 8.5 months preggers.

11. What was the best thing you bought? An MP3 player & dock so we can listen to music in the kitchen.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Those who celebrate peace, not war? In my family? In the world? No freakin' clue. LOL I think anyone who promotes peace, love & all that other hippy shit rather than focusing on deception, anger, & fear mongering deserves celebration.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The asshats in government office who think things like Fracking is a good idea.

14. Where did most of your money go? Car repairs.

15. What did you get really excited about? Performing at AZ faire, traveling, having my daughter, friends and loved ones coming to visit, and the first snowfall.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? That Beyonce song, but only because GLEE. That, and I started singing, "All the single babies, all the single babies. All the single babies, all the single babies" 'cause that's all I know from that damned song.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-happier or sadder? happier
-thinner or fatter? definitely thinner
-richer or poorer? about the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Played more music.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Complain.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family, in our home, enjoying good food.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? many times,over and over again

22. What was your favorite TV program? Dollhouse, Fringe, Sanctuary, Warehouse 13, House & Dexter. Thank the Gods for Hulu.com & Netflix.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? “Hating someone never does anygood – it only makes you feel bad inside”. It’s a good quote, and I stole it from JupiterSinclair. While I didn't "hate" anyone, I did have very strong feelings of Dislike.

24. What was the best book you read? I re-read most of the Dead Witch Walking series, as well as the Dresden Files. I'm hoping to read more in 2010.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Umm.... No Clue. That's not a band, I really am not sure. I didn't listen to nearly enough music in 2009.

26. What did you want and get? A bread maker.

27. What did you want and not get? I can't think of anything.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I loved StarTrek Enterprise, but Avatar was pretty darned good. Of course, I just SAW Avatar so it's pretty fresh in the brain pan.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I got stuff. :grin: I spent the day with my Dad, so it was a little odd. I turned 39.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If all the money we would need fell from the sky, tax free, so we wouldn't have to worry about things like bills, taxes, etc. Barring that, I wish I had done more cooking. I LOVE to cook.

31. What would describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Comfy.

32. What kept you sane? Hahahhahaha... wait, are you serious?

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I wouldn't turn Hugh Laurie, Joss Whedon, Stephen Fry or most of the cast from Dollhouse away. I'd love to have a dinner gathering and chat about everything.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? No matter what it was, it always boiled down to the fact that there are others in this country who feel they are entitled to more because of their race,religion or financial status and that made me very angry.

35. Who did you miss? My mom.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I met a load of folks on Twitter who are very cool. I met a load of folks at ren faire who are also very cool. Thinking about this honestly, I'd have to say the best new person I've met in 2009 was my daughter. She's pretty damn cool.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. I don't have to be afraid.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I'm seriously bad at this.

And here's a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o' thine !
And we'll take a right good-willie waught
for auld lang syne.

~Robert Burns

Friends, chosen family, loved ones old and new... they were here for me, and I was incredibly grateful for them.

Week 2

2009-06-02T23:35:00.000-04:00

4/4
My Darling Rowan,

What a difference a day makes! You slept so well last night! Your Da' and I were very appreciative of that!

You and I spent the day together. Kat came over and helped out in the afternoon.

You are so expressive! You are also quite fierce when it's time to eat. You get very focused, you furrow your brow, and then you latch-on. I love watching you.

Love,
Mama

4/5
My Darling Rowan,

Happy Soul day! Today is our first Soul day together. We relaxed most of the day together. You fought off sleep most of the evening, but you slept well in the wee hours.

We watched Willow together, as your Da' and I call you our Daikini baby.

We also had our first walk outside together! We three took the dogs for a spin around the block. You slept through it, so I think you enjoyed it.

Love,
Mama

4/6
My Darling Rowan,

I speak to your Papa Joe every night, and he sends love and kisses to you. He misses you, and can't wait to see you!

Today you accompanied me to the ankle doctor, and then we went to Autumn Leaves, where your Da' works. Sharon, our doula, met us at Autumn Leaves and then took me home. She is so wonderful, and I spoke to her about you. I asked her lots of questions and talked to her about feeling anxious. She helped me to feel better about some things. She showed me how to feed you while laying down, and we talked about your schedule.

I started carrying you in your Moby carrier today. You look very cute all curled up in it.

You met Autumn (Dyan) and Uncle Mikey this afternoon. They took turns holding you and cooing over you. You seemed to enjoy the time, and you got to look out the kitchen window for a while.

You are my beautiful little wiggle worm!

Love,
Mama

4/7
My Darling Rowan,

Today was your second pediatrics appointment. You are back at your birth weight of 9lb .4 oz, and you've grown 1 3/4 inches! You are in the 75% for weight and 95% for height. You also have a blocked tear duct. :(

We had a very restful rest of the day.

Love,
Mama

4/8
My Darling Rowan,

Your Da' had to work today, so you and I had an adventure! We met Uncle Mikey at Ithaca Bakery for lunch. You slept through most of it, but we didn't mind. After that we went to Target to pick up Bock's meds and your antibiotics for your blocked tear duct. The Pharmacy was closed, so we went around the store looking at things. You either stared at things or you slept.

We got home and relaxed for a bit, and then we had to go back out to pick up your Da'. The rest of the evening at home was relaxing until about 9:30 p when you got a bit fussy/had gas. Once you settled down, though, you slept like a dream.

Love,
Mama

4/9
My Darling Rowan,

We had another adventure today! You came to teaching with me at the ITown studio on Cayuga st.
ALL Mama's students were fascinated by you. You slept most of the time. What a wonderful girl you are!

Love,
Mama

4/10
My Darling Rowan,

Happy 2 week birthday! It's amazing to me that you've been here for that long and short a period of time. I couldn't put you down all day - you mezmorize me so. We snuggled, napped, fed, and enjoyed each others company all day.

You are so dear to me, my sweet Daikini Baby, my Fae child. Your Da' and Papa Joe love you very much. Your Da' likes to swing you back and forth while shushing in your ear. You really seem to like that.

I have found my favourite of all your expressions so far! It's the one where you purse your lips so they look like a heart shaped kiss and your eyes open wide. You are just so precious when you do that. I've yet to be able to take a picture, but I will at one point soon!

Dream Sweet, my dear!

Love,
Mama

Birth Story

2009-06-02T23:21:00.000-04:00

My Darling Rowan,

This is the story of your birth, from my perspective. So you know, I’m writing it up as I listen/watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog.

Your story starts almost five years ago. Your Da’ and I were living in Mecklenburg, and I was on the phone with my Mom, your Grandma. It was a sweet conversation really. She was worried about us, our finances, my happiness, and told me she only wanted the best for us. I told her that despite the problems your Da’ and I were having, I was truly happy. She asked me if I would ever have a baby, and I told her that while I wanted to, I was scared of childbirth. I wasn’t worried about taking care of a baby, but the labor terrified me. She told me not to let that stand in my way, and that I would be a wonderful mother when the time came. Mom passed that August 28, 2004.

I have always been afraid of childbirth due to the pain of labor. I thought if I had a baby naturally I’d need to be drugged and would only be able to go through with it if I had a c-section. It was not something I wanted to do. Your Da’ and I discussed natural birth and adoption, the plusses and minus’ of each. By the time I turned 37 I never thought I’d actually have a baby naturally, and while it made me sad, I was resigned to that future. You should know that I have always wanted to have a family of my own. A house filled with laughter was my goal, but I didn’t think that would happen.

I found out that I was pregnant right about the time of my birthday in 2008, and at that point I was already nearly 5 months pregnant. I was very surprised, nervous, and had so many emotions running through my brain I really can’t accurately describe how I felt. My doctor recommended a midwife, and once I met the midwife she suggested we get a doula. The first person on the page was Sharon Berger, and looking at her picture in the doula book, I knew she was the one for us.

We met Sharon a few months before you were born. She was just what I thought she would be, supportive, warm, and caring. I told her about all my fears about childbirth and labor, and she said she’d help me to have the kind of birth I wanted to have. While I still had a lot of fears about the actual birth process, I started to feel more secure and less worried about things.

In those last few months I did a lot of reading about natural birth, pain free birth, and water births. I listened to my body more and more, and listened to you, and started to trust that I could have you without complications, without medication, and that everything would be as it should be. I began to understand that I could have you without fear.

Your arrival date was March 19, 2009. I went into pre-labor the second week of March. I was getting nervous, but Sharon reassured me that you would be here in your own time. I sang to you more and more during this time, and realized that I trusted my body to do what it was made to do, and that you would come Earthside when you were ready.

Your Papa Joe got into town March 18. Your arrival date came and went, and 5 days past due my Midwife suggested that I go to the hospital to be induced. She thought you might be a large baby, and thought I should have you as quickly as possible. This confused your Da’ and I, so we called Sharon right away. She came over that day, and seemed as disconcerted as we were about what the Midwife said. She recommended several more natural ways to induce labor. I drank more red raspberry leaf tea, took black & blue chohosh every 3 hours, used evening primrose, and even saw Stacy, an acupuncturist. You should know I hate needles, but I wanted you to come as naturally as possible. Thursday March 26 I met Stacy. Your Da’ was working so Papa Joe drove me to the appointment. Stacy was very reassuring and once I stepped into the treatment room I felt an overwhelming sense of calm. I trusted her to help us moving things along. Out of all the needles she used, only 2 of them made me twinge. Half-way through the treatment I could feel you move from up in my belly down into my pelvis. You felt heavy in my body; I knew you would be coming soon.

I was worried that you might be bigger than I thought, so I remembered a story from Ina May’s book about a very small woman who had a very large baby. Ina May didn’t think that the woman would be able to have her baby naturally, but the woman labored and delivered a 10 pound baby. Ina May asked her what she was thinking during the labor, and the woman said, “I kept thinking I was huge. I knew that I’d be able to have the baby, that it would pass through my body because I was so big and open!” This story really stuck with me, especially during my labor with you.

That night I called Sharon around 10p. My contractions had started coming faster and stronger. I had talked to Sharon about laboring as much as possible at Darrowby house as possible since I thought we’d be more comfortable here than in the hospital. She told me to call her any time I needed to. I tried watching a movie, and your Da’ would call Sharon to keep her updated. The whole time I was also timing my contractions and talking with my friend Lauren via IM. Finally, about 2am I called Sharon and asked her to come over.

Sharon arrived around 3am. I couldn’t get comfortable in the bedroom, so your Da’ helped me set up my laptop in the bathroom so I could continue to time the contractions. I alternated sitting on the toilet and leaning against the sink. I was breathing, and both your Da’ and Papa Joe spoke comforting things to me, put cool cloths on my neck, and supported me as best they could. Time got a little funny for me here, because I was focusing on breathing and got a little dizzy. Your Papa Joe rubbed my legs, Sharon held my head, and your Da’ got me something to eat and drink.

I got a little sick, but I knew I was going to do that. We had packed everything earlier except the snacks for the hospital, and we had a 40 minute drive to CMC, so we made our way to the car. I was getting nervous, but I knew I could trust you, that you wouldn’t hurt me and I wouldn’t hurt you, so I just kept breathing. Sharon came in the car with us and sat in the back seat with me. Your Da’ and Papa Joe were in the front and kept telling me that I was doing great. The drive seemed to take forever, but we arrived at the hospital about 5:30a.

Sharon and Papa Joe brought me up to the Obstetrics department while your Da’ parked the car. I don’t remember much about what nurses we met, but my Midwife, Gay, was on-call. She was happy to see me, and I remember Sharon asking the floor nurses to fill the birthing tub for me. I knew I wanted to have a water birth because it would be easier on us both. A nurse put the fetal monitor on my belly to make sure you were doing well, but I knew it wouldn’t work. The first 10 minutes were hard and painful, and I almost gave into the desire for medication, but I knew I couldn’t do that to either of us. I drew on the strength of those in the room, and breathed through it as best as I could. There was some concern regarding an IV. I had tested positive for Group B Strep (or gooey strep as I like to call it), and hating needles, I didn’t want the IV for the antibiotics. My Midwife spoke sternly to me and I looked to Sharon. There was a slight chance that you could get sick if I didn’t have the IV. I put my fear aside, because I needed to make sure you would be OK. The nurse who put the IV in was good, used a needle like a butterfly needle, and that was that.

You, my darling daughter, had very definite opinions in-utero, and you didn’t like anyone touching you/my belly. The last time we had a fetal monitor on you was the week prior and your Da’ saw your wee fist punch the monitor off of you! You would move away from the device, so the only thing that could be monitored was your heartbeat. We had the same problem at the hospital. I knew the nurses wouldn’t be able to get a base line on you. I knew you were OK; strong and healthy, but the nurses and midwives still wouldn’t let me into the tub. I ended up laboring for 2 hours with the fetal monitor on. I trusted you and myself, but I couldn’t express that to the nurses and midwives.

I felt that I couldn’t do this alone, so I asked your Da’, Papa Joe, and Sharon to be near me. They were all so calming and soothing, that they made my job easier. I could feel how much they loved us both, so I knew I could do this. Sharon’s presence, your Da’s touch, and his and Papa Joe’s words made all the difference.

About 8a the changing of the guard happened, so my Midwife went off duty and I met Midwife Molly. Molly was very sweet and caring, and spoke very encouragingly to me. I also started to feel like pushing about 8a. The pushing felt so good! I knew that the contractions were moving you further down into position, but being able to push, to help bring you Earthside, was amazing.

I would breathe, and feel your Da’s or Papa Joe’s hands on me, and say “I’m Huge” and push you further into position. At some point I asked for music; Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog to be specific, and your Da’ put the CD into the player. I remember singing snatches of the different songs. I was pushing hard, so hard that I was finding it hard to catch my breath. We did this for a few hours.

It was a very busy day in obstetrics, and Molly couldn’t stay with us the whole time. A nurse, Sue, started to do more to help. I would push for a long time in one position, and then they would make me move into another position. It was hard, because I was getting tired and my left side was starting to hurt, but I did what they said. Molly came back and could see your head. She said you had blonde hair! She was also nervous that you hadn’t moved down enough, and that I might have to have a c-section if you didn’t come out soon.

I looked to Sharon, and felt scared. Of all the options out there, I did not want to have a c-section. I did not want surgery. I wanted to have you naturally, and I knew I could do that if Molly gave me enough time. You could not be rushed, and I wanted to give you the time you needed to make your appearance.

Molly got a doctor – Dr. Gelber – to check if you could be delivered naturally or not. Dr. G had a nice smile, was very reassuring, and had me push HARD. He saw your head, and all your hair. He thought I could have you naturally, and started to coach me with breathing and pushing. I wasn’t in the best position, and your Da’, Papa Joe, and Sue helped me by holding my legs and pulling them back. I pushed and pushed, and kept saying “I’m Huge! I’m Big! I’m Open!” because I knew if I believed that, it would happen! I would grow and stretch so you could pop out.

The last 10 minutes were hard. I felt burning sensations, and realized I was holding back with pushing. I realized that while my legs were being pulled back, I was pushing against them, instead of pushing into them. It hurt, and I remember screaming. I asked Dr. G to help me and that I didn’t think I could do this without help, but he told me I could. I brought a hand down and could feel the top of your head. I could feel the long hair that everyone was telling me about. I pushed hard, screamed again, and focused on your Da’s and Papa Joe’s voices. Your Da’ started crying, telling me that you were coming and that it was incredible.

I felt a pop, and suddenly your head was out. I screamed again as your shoulders came through. Dr. G said “Once More” and I pushed hard. Your Papa Joe was at my back (I was on my side) and your Da’ was next to Dr. G. I felt a huge release, and you shot out of my body like a rocket. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog had played over and over (about 9 times) during labor. You came out to the theme song! It seemed very appropriate, and quite dramatic!

A lot of nurses and a pediatrician had come in at some point towards the end of my labor. Your Da’ ended up cutting the cord, and you given to the pediatrician. Apparently there was meconium in my amniotic fluid, and you got some of it in your lungs, and were a bit stressed from the 5 hours of heavy pushing and laboring.

I got to hold you, briefly, once the pediatrician cleared out your lungs, but you were having some problems so you were taken to the nursery. You were very pale and needed some oxygen. Your Da’, Papa Joe and I were very concerned, but Dr. Satish, the neonatalist, was amazing. He thought you might have an infection (possibly gooey strep), and made sure you got antibiotics right away.

Sue, the nurse who had helped so much during your birth, helped me get cleaned up, and we all waited to hear back about how you were doing. Sharon got us some food, and continued to make me feel better just with her presence.

I felt so aware after you were born. I felt encased in bliss and love. Your Da’ and I checked on you in the nursery about an hour after you were born. You did have an infection, but your colour had improved vastly. You had some problems regulating your breathing, so your head was under a “fishbowl” so you could get some extra oxygen. You looked like an astronaut!

I couldn’t get past how beautiful you looked! I was in such awe of you (I still am!).

Your Da’ and Papa Joe told me they were very proud of me, but all I did was listen to my body and listen to you.

You arrived Earthside Friday March 27, 2009 at 12:57pm. You were 20 inches long, and while the nurses thought you weighed 8 lb 14oz, you actually weighed 9 lb 4 oz.

You ended up having to stay in the hospital through April 1, to make sure that you had the right antibiotics in your system to take care of the infection. Your Da’ and I took you home that afternoon on April 1, 2009.

I can’t fully describe how much it is that I love you. You have changed my life so much, not just in the time you’ve been with us Earthside, but the near 10 months I carried you. I did something I never thought I could do. I am so blessed you chose me as your Mama. I love you tremendously, my Daikini Baby, my sweet Fae child, my Darling Rowan.

Love,

Mama

Week 1

2009-06-02T22:47:00.000-04:00

3/27
My dearest daughter, my Darling Rowan,

Happy Birthday!

You were born at 12:57pm. I held you for 2 minutes before you were taken to the Nursery. I have written your birth story.

We were told you weighed 8 lb 14 oz, but you were actually 9 lb, 4 oz. You measured 20 inches long. You have deep blue eyes, and a head full of long blonde hair.

I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you.

I am so blessed to call you Daughter.

Love,
Mama

3/28
My Darling Rowan,

You are so strong! You are fighting off this infection and I know you will beat it.
Your personality is showing, and you make very silly and cute faces. You are drawn to
lights and voices. You know mine, your Da's, and Papa Joe's voices.

We are silly parents, and we take lots of pictures of you.

Dr. Satish has been following your very closely, and said you were well enough to stay in the room with us overnight.

Your Da changed his first diaper today!

Love,
Mama

3/29
My Darling Rowan,

What a busy day! You are doing so well fighting off this infection. You had a lot of visitors today.
You met your Bubbie Helaine, your Auntie Lauren & your Aunt Jenny & Uncle Bill.

I got to feed you for the first time today. We are both learning, and you are a good eater! You had to have some blood work done, and it was very hard on you. You screamed and cried, and Da, Papa Joe and I tried to soothe you.

This was our first night alone together at the Hospital. I was so tired, but you were very sweet.

Love,
Mama

3/30
My Darling Rowan,

Today you are three days old. You were taken off the monitor today, and all the extra wires have been removed. You smell so sweet, and are so beautiful.

You're eating very well, so well that my milk came in! I love to watch your face as you're eating. You have incredibly expressive eyes. I am in awe of you.

Papa Joe is going back to VA tomorrow, so he spent the whole afternoon holding you. We took a lot of pictures of you both. You slept so peacefully in his arms.

Love,
Mama

3/31
My Darling Rowan,

You continue to improve by leaps and bounds! Your Da' and I spoke with Dr. Satish, and he mis-calculated your discharge date. You can come home with us tomorrow! This is not an early April Fool's Joke!

Your Da loves you so much, and is so careful with you. You love to snuggle against his chest.

Your Da & I chatted with Nurse Sue about you. She showed us how to dress you in a onesie, how to diaper you, how to swaddle you, and then she coo'd all over you. She said you are a beautiful baby, and she's right! You were very cute; we tried the hot pink/zebra striped cloth diaper on you, and you immediately pooped in it. Your Da and I giggled about that.

You are eating very well, and Nurse Sue told me you are a model feeder. You latch on almost every time, you have a strong mouth, and you are a joy to feed.

Love,
Mama

4/1
My Darling Rowan,

Today is your discharge day! Your Da and I are overwhelmed with joy. I am thrilled, scared, nervous and filled with bliss all at the same time. I know everything will go well, but I am nervous. I trust you, and know that you will show me what to do.

You met the dogs this afternoon. Bock and Keeva are very curious about you and sniffed you all over. You slept through the whole thing. In fact, you slept most of the afternoon and early evening. You are very relaxed.

Your Da, Papa Joe and I love you very much. Our journey is just beginning, and I can't wait to watch you grow.

Love,
Mama

4/2
My Darling Rowan,

Our first full day in the house together as a family! The dogs are still very excited around you, especially Keeva.

We went out today, and you handled it like a pro. You had your first Pediatrician appointment, which you passed with flying colours. After that we went shopping for some things, and you were so mellow, sleeping in your car seat.

You met Asif and Annie today. Asif is a big sweetie with a grumpy exterior. He and Annie thought you were beautiful and sweet.

This was the first really fussy evening we'd seen you have. You were awake a lot, and your Da' and I didn't get much sleep. We're hoping tomorrow eve you sleep a little better!

Love,
Mama

4/3
My Darling Rowan,

This is our first day alone! I was quite nervous, but I knew you'd tell me what to do. We spent the day together napping and relaxing.

Dan & Drew came over, and you were very sleepy. Kat came over later in the afternoon, and you were a bit more awake.

Now that you're Earthside you seem to handle people touching you much better than you did when you were in my tummy.

Your Da' came home and cuddled you, which you enjoyed very much.

Love,
Mama