When I started this blog in 09 it was mostly to post the letters I was writing to my Daikini Baby. Alas, that didn't work out so well. I'm still writing her letters every day, but I'm not posting them. In fact, I've got 9 months of backlog to post. (insert Oye & facepalm here) Why is this relevant? Well, the original title and address of the blog was Letters to my Daughter. Upon much soul searching (or as much soul searching as one can do in the first 3 days of a new year) I have changed the blog to something more appropriate. The new address is: http://goddessofperk.blogspot.com/ Now, if I could only figure out how to move the "Labels" to the bottom of the screen.
EDIT: Yeah, so this whole Drag/Drop thing on the layout? I just noticed it. :blush:
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The ellusive ADD
A new friend of mine, Matteo, was asking me about the ADD hashtag (#ADD) on my twitters. I knew it was going to take more than the pre-requisite 140 characters, so I ended up a rather longish email. He requested I post it, so here 'tis.
I have a long history w/ADD. I was officially diagnosed in my late 20's because I was tired of not understanding why I wasn't like everyone else/couldn't easily handle tasks everyone else could handle/was having the same problems at every job I'd had, etc. By everyone else, I mean co-workers, relatives & friends.
One of my best friends suggested I check with an ADD specialist. She and her brother had ADD & she saw a lot of similarities between us regarding tasks, getting stalled on things, etc. I saw a local doc who performed a series of tests on me. The result was ADD, but not ADHD. Physically I'm not hyperactive (though my brain has its moments).
One of the issues for me with ADD is I have never been able to find a consistency for getting things done. "Work the Plan" type of consistency. My house is never clean, I never have enough hours in the day to get things done, I get distracted, I get bored, etc etc. Looking back (and discussing my history with the ADD doc and several therapists) I've had this issue since childhood. I can remember my mom getting so angry with me that I couldn't stay on task/complete a simple chore. There were "never enough hours in the day" for me, etc.
John and I have discussed it a lot over the past year (what with a new baby and all) and while I'm very good at taking care of Rowan, I'm incredibly inconsistent with housework. It's hard on him because he never knows if it's going to be a productive or unproductive day. I'm on meds, which helps me a lot. Most of the anxiety I had with the ADD is gone when I'm on the meds. I can focus and stay focused more easily. The noise in my head is much quieter when I'm on my meds. The caveat is that I HATE being on meds. (That's another story, though.) I made a decision when I was pregnant that I would be regular with my meds. Fucking up my head (taking meds inconsistently) is one thing, but with having a child I needed to have my head on as often as possible.
In the past 9 months (Rowan is just 9 months) I've had maybe 3 lapses where I didn't take my meds for a few days. Before then I would go weeks without taking them. It was very frustrating for John because he wouldn't know how to talk to me about it. At that point I would be productive for a few days and then PFT, nothing. Now I am productive for a few months (consistently) and then a few days or a week of nothing.
The #ADD tag is mostly to remind myself when I look back at journal posts or reflect at the end of the day on why things don't get done. "Ah, it was one of THOSE days."
I get sucked into TV very easily, which is one reason I'm glad we don't have cable. (Mainly we don't have cable because it's wicked expensive and our budget can't handle it.) I add the rationalization about the ADD because it makes me feel less like a freak about no TV. (I grew up with several tv's in the house, all my friends watched tv, etc etc. I know it's far more the norm in the Ithaca area not to have tv, but I still feel freakish that we don't have it.) One manifestation of ADD is being ashamed. My house is far from perfect and I get very anxious when people stop by because of that. I'm ashamed of how the house looks, but I can't ever get it clean enough. I'm ashamed of the fact that our finances are such shit that we can't afford cable. These are huge triggers for me if I think about them too much.
TV was my escape when I was younger, and when my Mom started limiting my access to tv, books became my outlet for escape. I can get lost in books and tv (via netflix or hulu) at the drop of a hat. I will be late for appointments or cancel appointments so I can finish watching/reading. No matter how many alarms I set, if I'm engrossed in a show or a book it's very difficult for me to get out of it.
Lately I've been watching Dexter (wow, great show!) and it's screwing with my daytime/eve schedule. I'm trying to watch it all at once so I can move on. Really I should just ration it to 1 or 2 eps a day, but that's not what I'm doing. Yesterday I had to teach in Tburg and I left 30 min after I wanted to because I was watching Dexter and playing farmville. Distraction city... Happily I wasn't late (I try to build extra time into my day now), but I could have been.
Overall the diagnosis has been quite helpful, as have the meds. I try not to use it as a crutch (Oh, I didn't do the dishes... ADD strikes again!), and I get less angry with myself for not getting as much done as I want/planned to get done. It's not always a day-to-day struggle anymore. I am more productive more consistently. I am less ashamed of things. I am less anxious. I am less angry. I am more balanced. I can sometimes use the ADD hyperfocus to my advantage (though sometimes I get so focused I lose track of time). My day isn't as much of a crapshoot as it used to be.
Forgive the rambling. I woke up early and didn't really get enough sleep. I also haven't written much about ADD and how it effects me. We can chat about it more if you want.
Happy New Year's Eve!
I have a long history w/ADD. I was officially diagnosed in my late 20's because I was tired of not understanding why I wasn't like everyone else/couldn't easily handle tasks everyone else could handle/was having the same problems at every job I'd had, etc. By everyone else, I mean co-workers, relatives & friends.
One of my best friends suggested I check with an ADD specialist. She and her brother had ADD & she saw a lot of similarities between us regarding tasks, getting stalled on things, etc. I saw a local doc who performed a series of tests on me. The result was ADD, but not ADHD. Physically I'm not hyperactive (though my brain has its moments).
One of the issues for me with ADD is I have never been able to find a consistency for getting things done. "Work the Plan" type of consistency. My house is never clean, I never have enough hours in the day to get things done, I get distracted, I get bored, etc etc. Looking back (and discussing my history with the ADD doc and several therapists) I've had this issue since childhood. I can remember my mom getting so angry with me that I couldn't stay on task/complete a simple chore. There were "never enough hours in the day" for me, etc.
John and I have discussed it a lot over the past year (what with a new baby and all) and while I'm very good at taking care of Rowan, I'm incredibly inconsistent with housework. It's hard on him because he never knows if it's going to be a productive or unproductive day. I'm on meds, which helps me a lot. Most of the anxiety I had with the ADD is gone when I'm on the meds. I can focus and stay focused more easily. The noise in my head is much quieter when I'm on my meds. The caveat is that I HATE being on meds. (That's another story, though.) I made a decision when I was pregnant that I would be regular with my meds. Fucking up my head (taking meds inconsistently) is one thing, but with having a child I needed to have my head on as often as possible.
In the past 9 months (Rowan is just 9 months) I've had maybe 3 lapses where I didn't take my meds for a few days. Before then I would go weeks without taking them. It was very frustrating for John because he wouldn't know how to talk to me about it. At that point I would be productive for a few days and then PFT, nothing. Now I am productive for a few months (consistently) and then a few days or a week of nothing.
The #ADD tag is mostly to remind myself when I look back at journal posts or reflect at the end of the day on why things don't get done. "Ah, it was one of THOSE days."
I get sucked into TV very easily, which is one reason I'm glad we don't have cable. (Mainly we don't have cable because it's wicked expensive and our budget can't handle it.) I add the rationalization about the ADD because it makes me feel less like a freak about no TV. (I grew up with several tv's in the house, all my friends watched tv, etc etc. I know it's far more the norm in the Ithaca area not to have tv, but I still feel freakish that we don't have it.) One manifestation of ADD is being ashamed. My house is far from perfect and I get very anxious when people stop by because of that. I'm ashamed of how the house looks, but I can't ever get it clean enough. I'm ashamed of the fact that our finances are such shit that we can't afford cable. These are huge triggers for me if I think about them too much.
TV was my escape when I was younger, and when my Mom started limiting my access to tv, books became my outlet for escape. I can get lost in books and tv (via netflix or hulu) at the drop of a hat. I will be late for appointments or cancel appointments so I can finish watching/reading. No matter how many alarms I set, if I'm engrossed in a show or a book it's very difficult for me to get out of it.
Lately I've been watching Dexter (wow, great show!) and it's screwing with my daytime/eve schedule. I'm trying to watch it all at once so I can move on. Really I should just ration it to 1 or 2 eps a day, but that's not what I'm doing. Yesterday I had to teach in Tburg and I left 30 min after I wanted to because I was watching Dexter and playing farmville. Distraction city... Happily I wasn't late (I try to build extra time into my day now), but I could have been.
Overall the diagnosis has been quite helpful, as have the meds. I try not to use it as a crutch (Oh, I didn't do the dishes... ADD strikes again!), and I get less angry with myself for not getting as much done as I want/planned to get done. It's not always a day-to-day struggle anymore. I am more productive more consistently. I am less ashamed of things. I am less anxious. I am less angry. I am more balanced. I can sometimes use the ADD hyperfocus to my advantage (though sometimes I get so focused I lose track of time). My day isn't as much of a crapshoot as it used to be.
Forgive the rambling. I woke up early and didn't really get enough sleep. I also haven't written much about ADD and how it effects me. We can chat about it more if you want.
Happy New Year's Eve!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Food, glorious food
I love to cook. I'm a self-described Kitchen Witch, though that's not what this post is about. This post is about Food.
I adore cooking. I love the prep; getting the kitchen ready, browsing recipes, even the food shopping before hand. I love spending time in my kitchen. I love how it gets warm and ends up being a hub of the household. I love sharing the kitchen with friends and loved ones. It's comforting for me to be in there. One of my favourite pasttimes is sitting at the table with a friend, sipping tea and nibbling on sweets and talking about food and recipes. Food is amazing. We all have such intriguing ties to food. Food motivates, comforts, and succours us. On the flip side food can make us feel disgusting or ugly. The sensory perceptions related to certain foods are huge. I know if I smell a certain food it will trigger different memories and emotions. I also know I'm not alone with this.
One of my all-time favourite smells is cooking onions and garlic. It evokes memories of sitting at my Grandmother's knee while she would make the fricassee or the brisket or the chopped liver. My grandparents were the ones that started me cooking. My Grandfather made the best matzoh brei I've ever tasted, and my Grandmother cooked the most amazing things for the High Holidays. I spent every weekend with them from the time I was a toddler until I was 16. I learned how to make chopped liver, baked ziti, spinach pie, brisket, and just about everything else (except matzoh brei). My mom was no slouch in the kitchen either. While I couldn't stand her meatloaf, she taught me how to make the best chicken wings (baked) and how to cook large slabs of meat. Give me a roast, a leg of lamb, a steak, a chicken and I will make you a feast.
While I don't mind cooking for myself, cooking for friends and loved ones fills me with a sense of pleasure and satisfaction. Between traveling, taking care of the Daikini Baby, and my ankle surgery I've not had a lot of time to cook, but lately I've started up again. In the past month I've baked bread and cookies from scratch (I'd never done that before), made homemade doughnuts and cheese fritters for Channukah, (also a first), scalloped potatoes and bacon, and concocted a recipe for leg of lamb from thin air and a bit of help from the Flavor Bible that turned out to be the best lamb I'd ever made. I was nervous making all these new things, but the feedback I got was fantastic.
I adore cooking. I love the prep; getting the kitchen ready, browsing recipes, even the food shopping before hand. I love spending time in my kitchen. I love how it gets warm and ends up being a hub of the household. I love sharing the kitchen with friends and loved ones. It's comforting for me to be in there. One of my favourite pasttimes is sitting at the table with a friend, sipping tea and nibbling on sweets and talking about food and recipes. Food is amazing. We all have such intriguing ties to food. Food motivates, comforts, and succours us. On the flip side food can make us feel disgusting or ugly. The sensory perceptions related to certain foods are huge. I know if I smell a certain food it will trigger different memories and emotions. I also know I'm not alone with this.
One of my all-time favourite smells is cooking onions and garlic. It evokes memories of sitting at my Grandmother's knee while she would make the fricassee or the brisket or the chopped liver. My grandparents were the ones that started me cooking. My Grandfather made the best matzoh brei I've ever tasted, and my Grandmother cooked the most amazing things for the High Holidays. I spent every weekend with them from the time I was a toddler until I was 16. I learned how to make chopped liver, baked ziti, spinach pie, brisket, and just about everything else (except matzoh brei). My mom was no slouch in the kitchen either. While I couldn't stand her meatloaf, she taught me how to make the best chicken wings (baked) and how to cook large slabs of meat. Give me a roast, a leg of lamb, a steak, a chicken and I will make you a feast.
While I don't mind cooking for myself, cooking for friends and loved ones fills me with a sense of pleasure and satisfaction. Between traveling, taking care of the Daikini Baby, and my ankle surgery I've not had a lot of time to cook, but lately I've started up again. In the past month I've baked bread and cookies from scratch (I'd never done that before), made homemade doughnuts and cheese fritters for Channukah, (also a first), scalloped potatoes and bacon, and concocted a recipe for leg of lamb from thin air and a bit of help from the Flavor Bible that turned out to be the best lamb I'd ever made. I was nervous making all these new things, but the feedback I got was fantastic.
- The bread (rolled oatmeal bread) was crusty but tender on the inside.
- The cookies (chocolate crack cookies) have had rave reviews from friends and students. I've even made some changes. I made a batch of rum flavoured cookies, and I've got almond flavoured dough in the fridge waiting to be baked.
- The scalloped potatoes and bacon was so delicious that two chefs from Ithaca who were raving about it were astounded when I'd told them I'd never made it before. One of them wanted the recipe for his restaurant.
- The doughnuts and fritters were hard to make as I'd never deep fried anything before, but they came out pretty darned tasty.
- The lamb turned out so well that I used the same ingredients on a large pork roast. Delish doesn't even begin to cover how good it was.
The amazing thing about this is that I'm terrified of baking. I learned good Jewish dishes for holidays, how to cook meat, and things like that. Baking has never been a forte for me. It's so precise... there's no margin of error... It's not conducive to my mental state! Still, I gave it a try and damn if those baked goods didn't turn our well. So well, in fact, that I'm looking at more baking. I know I need to have more confidence with my cooking. I know I can make tasty things, but making them with confidence somehow makes them taste better to me.
So if you're in Upstate NY, and want to chat about food drop me a line. We've got a well stocked tea cabinet, and I'm sure I could whip up a batch of cookies to share.
Random Impromptus on a Friday morning
And now for some random impromptus.
It's snowing out, there's cookie dough in the fridge, and there's a massive fire across the street that seems to finally be under control. Today is a day of extremes
Right now my Darling Girl is standing up in her playpen, staring at me, crying and asking to be picked up. By asking I mean she's reaching out to me, coughing, crying and generally asserting herself. I think this means it's time for me to get offline and snuggle a certain Daikini Baby.
Happy New Years Day, 01/01/10
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Looking Back at 2009 in 38 questions
Starting 2010 out right with a little theft. I stole this from jupitersinclair.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? I had a baby. Also, I baked bread and cookies from SCRATCH! Go me :D
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make for next year? I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Life requires that you look at yourself & assess your personal goals on a regular basis,not just once a year (Truth be told, I stole this answer from Jupiter as I agree with her 100% on this)
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Several friends had babies this year, and while I'm overly close with them, I am thrilled for them.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No humanbeans that I am close with died in 2009, but I did have to put my beloved FeyFey (10 yr old Norwegian Forest Cat) to sleep in December.
5. What countries did you visit? I didn't travel outside the US border this year, but I do think that Long Island counts as a different country.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? More peace of mind.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? March 27, the day of my daughter's birth. Nov 3, the day of my ankle surgery.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I had a BABY! :grin: I actually HAD a baby. I was scared, terrified, nervous, but with love and support from my family I had her sans drugs. It was pretty incredible.
9. What was your biggest failure? I have no idea.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Thankfully the swineflu didn't hit us, but we have dealt with several bouts of lung gunk. I also managed to hurt my ankle pretty severely when I was 8.5 months preggers.
11. What was the best thing you bought? An MP3 player & dock so we can listen to music in the kitchen.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Those who celebrate peace, not war? In my family? In the world? No freakin' clue. LOL I think anyone who promotes peace, love & all that other hippy shit rather than focusing on deception, anger, & fear mongering deserves celebration.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The asshats in government office who think things like Fracking is a good idea.
14. Where did most of your money go? Car repairs.
15. What did you get really excited about? Performing at AZ faire, traveling, having my daughter, friends and loved ones coming to visit, and the first snowfall.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? That Beyonce song, but only because GLEE. That, and I started singing, "All the single babies, all the single babies. All the single babies, all the single babies" 'cause that's all I know from that damned song.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-happier or sadder? happier
-thinner or fatter? definitely thinner
-richer or poorer? about the same
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Played more music.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Complain.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family, in our home, enjoying good food.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009? many times,over and over again
22. What was your favorite TV program? Dollhouse, Fringe, Sanctuary, Warehouse 13, House & Dexter. Thank the Gods for Hulu.com & Netflix.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? “Hating someone never does anygood – it only makes you feel bad inside”. It’s a good quote, and I stole it from JupiterSinclair. While I didn't "hate" anyone, I did have very strong feelings of Dislike.
24. What was the best book you read? I re-read most of the Dead Witch Walking series, as well as the Dresden Files. I'm hoping to read more in 2010.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Umm.... No Clue. That's not a band, I really am not sure. I didn't listen to nearly enough music in 2009.
26. What did you want and get? A bread maker.
27. What did you want and not get? I can't think of anything.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? I loved StarTrek Enterprise, but Avatar was pretty darned good. Of course, I just SAW Avatar so it's pretty fresh in the brain pan.
29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I got stuff. :grin: I spent the day with my Dad, so it was a little odd. I turned 39.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If all the money we would need fell from the sky, tax free, so we wouldn't have to worry about things like bills, taxes, etc. Barring that, I wish I had done more cooking. I LOVE to cook.
31. What would describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Comfy.
32. What kept you sane? Hahahhahaha... wait, are you serious?
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I wouldn't turn Hugh Laurie, Joss Whedon, Stephen Fry or most of the cast from Dollhouse away. I'd love to have a dinner gathering and chat about everything.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? No matter what it was, it always boiled down to the fact that there are others in this country who feel they are entitled to more because of their race,religion or financial status and that made me very angry.
35. Who did you miss? My mom.
36. Who was the best new person you met? I met a load of folks on Twitter who are very cool. I met a load of folks at ren faire who are also very cool. Thinking about this honestly, I'd have to say the best new person I've met in 2009 was my daughter. She's pretty damn cool.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. I don't have to be afraid.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I'm seriously bad at this.
And here's a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o' thine !
And we'll take a right good-willie waught
for auld lang syne.
~Robert Burns
Friends, chosen family, loved ones old and new... they were here for me, and I was incredibly grateful for them.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Week 2
4/4
My Darling Rowan,
What a difference a day makes! You slept so well last night! Your Da' and I were very appreciative of that!
You and I spent the day together. Kat came over and helped out in the afternoon.
You are so expressive! You are also quite fierce when it's time to eat. You get very focused, you furrow your brow, and then you latch-on. I love watching you.
Love,
Mama
4/5
My Darling Rowan,
Happy Soul day! Today is our first Soul day together. We relaxed most of the day together. You fought off sleep most of the evening, but you slept well in the wee hours.
We watched Willow together, as your Da' and I call you our Daikini baby.
We also had our first walk outside together! We three took the dogs for a spin around the block. You slept through it, so I think you enjoyed it.
Love,
Mama
4/6
My Darling Rowan,
I speak to your Papa Joe every night, and he sends love and kisses to you. He misses you, and can't wait to see you!
Today you accompanied me to the ankle doctor, and then we went to Autumn Leaves, where your Da' works. Sharon, our doula, met us at Autumn Leaves and then took me home. She is so wonderful, and I spoke to her about you. I asked her lots of questions and talked to her about feeling anxious. She helped me to feel better about some things. She showed me how to feed you while laying down, and we talked about your schedule.
I started carrying you in your Moby carrier today. You look very cute all curled up in it.
You met Autumn (Dyan) and Uncle Mikey this afternoon. They took turns holding you and cooing over you. You seemed to enjoy the time, and you got to look out the kitchen window for a while.
You are my beautiful little wiggle worm!
Love,
Mama
4/7
My Darling Rowan,
Today was your second pediatrics appointment. You are back at your birth weight of 9lb .4 oz, and you've grown 1 3/4 inches! You are in the 75% for weight and 95% for height. You also have a blocked tear duct. :(
We had a very restful rest of the day.
Love,
Mama
My Darling Rowan,
Your Da' had to work today, so you and I had an adventure! We met Uncle Mikey at Ithaca Bakery for lunch. You slept through most of it, but we didn't mind. After that we went to Target to pick up Bock's meds and your antibiotics for your blocked tear duct. The Pharmacy was closed, so we went around the store looking at things. You either stared at things or you slept.
We got home and relaxed for a bit, and then we had to go back out to pick up your Da'. The rest of the evening at home was relaxing until about 9:30 p when you got a bit fussy/had gas. Once you settled down, though, you slept like a dream.
Love,
Mama
4/9
My Darling Rowan,
We had another adventure today! You came to teaching with me at the ITown studio on Cayuga st.
ALL Mama's students were fascinated by you. You slept most of the time. What a wonderful girl you are!
Love,
Mama
4/10
My Darling Rowan,
Happy 2 week birthday! It's amazing to me that you've been here for that long and short a period of time. I couldn't put you down all day - you mezmorize me so. We snuggled, napped, fed, and enjoyed each others company all day.
You are so dear to me, my sweet Daikini Baby, my Fae child. Your Da' and Papa Joe love you very much. Your Da' likes to swing you back and forth while shushing in your ear. You really seem to like that.
I have found my favourite of all your expressions so far! It's the one where you purse your lips so they look like a heart shaped kiss and your eyes open wide. You are just so precious when you do that. I've yet to be able to take a picture, but I will at one point soon!
Dream Sweet, my dear!
Love,
Mama
Birth Story
My Darling Rowan,
This is the story of your birth, from my perspective. So you know, I’m writing it up as I listen/watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog.
Your story starts almost five years ago. Your Da’ and I were living in Mecklenburg, and I was on the phone with my Mom, your Grandma. It was a sweet conversation really. She was worried about us, our finances, my happiness, and told me she only wanted the best for us. I told her that despite the problems your Da’ and I were having, I was truly happy. She asked me if I would ever have a baby, and I told her that while I wanted to, I was scared of childbirth. I wasn’t worried about taking care of a baby, but the labor terrified me. She told me not to let that stand in my way, and that I would be a wonderful mother when the time came. Mom passed that August 28, 2004.
I have always been afraid of childbirth due to the pain of labor. I thought if I had a baby naturally I’d need to be drugged and would only be able to go through with it if I had a c-section. It was not something I wanted to do. Your Da’ and I discussed natural birth and adoption, the plusses and minus’ of each. By the time I turned 37 I never thought I’d actually have a baby naturally, and while it made me sad, I was resigned to that future. You should know that I have always wanted to have a family of my own. A house filled with laughter was my goal, but I didn’t think that would happen.
I found out that I was pregnant right about the time of my birthday in 2008, and at that point I was already nearly 5 months pregnant. I was very surprised, nervous, and had so many emotions running through my brain I really can’t accurately describe how I felt. My doctor recommended a midwife, and once I met the midwife she suggested we get a doula. The first person on the page was Sharon Berger, and looking at her picture in the doula book, I knew she was the one for us.
We met Sharon a few months before you were born. She was just what I thought she would be, supportive, warm, and caring. I told her about all my fears about childbirth and labor, and she said she’d help me to have the kind of birth I wanted to have. While I still had a lot of fears about the actual birth process, I started to feel more secure and less worried about things.
In those last few months I did a lot of reading about natural birth, pain free birth, and water births. I listened to my body more and more, and listened to you, and started to trust that I could have you without complications, without medication, and that everything would be as it should be. I began to understand that I could have you without fear.
Your arrival date was March 19, 2009. I went into pre-labor the second week of March. I was getting nervous, but Sharon reassured me that you would be here in your own time. I sang to you more and more during this time, and realized that I trusted my body to do what it was made to do, and that you would come Earthside when you were ready.
Your Papa Joe got into town March 18. Your arrival date came and went, and 5 days past due my Midwife suggested that I go to the hospital to be induced. She thought you might be a large baby, and thought I should have you as quickly as possible. This confused your Da’ and I, so we called Sharon right away. She came over that day, and seemed as disconcerted as we were about what the Midwife said. She recommended several more natural ways to induce labor. I drank more red raspberry leaf tea, took black & blue chohosh every 3 hours, used evening primrose, and even saw Stacy, an acupuncturist. You should know I hate needles, but I wanted you to come as naturally as possible. Thursday March 26 I met Stacy. Your Da’ was working so Papa Joe drove me to the appointment. Stacy was very reassuring and once I stepped into the treatment room I felt an overwhelming sense of calm. I trusted her to help us moving things along. Out of all the needles she used, only 2 of them made me twinge. Half-way through the treatment I could feel you move from up in my belly down into my pelvis. You felt heavy in my body; I knew you would be coming soon.
I was worried that you might be bigger than I thought, so I remembered a story from Ina May’s book about a very small woman who had a very large baby. Ina May didn’t think that the woman would be able to have her baby naturally, but the woman labored and delivered a 10 pound baby. Ina May asked her what she was thinking during the labor, and the woman said, “I kept thinking I was huge. I knew that I’d be able to have the baby, that it would pass through my body because I was so big and open!” This story really stuck with me, especially during my labor with you.
That night I called Sharon around 10p. My contractions had started coming faster and stronger. I had talked to Sharon about laboring as much as possible at Darrowby house as possible since I thought we’d be more comfortable here than in the hospital. She told me to call her any time I needed to. I tried watching a movie, and your Da’ would call Sharon to keep her updated. The whole time I was also timing my contractions and talking with my friend Lauren via IM. Finally, about 2am I called Sharon and asked her to come over.
Sharon arrived around 3am. I couldn’t get comfortable in the bedroom, so your Da’ helped me set up my laptop in the bathroom so I could continue to time the contractions. I alternated sitting on the toilet and leaning against the sink. I was breathing, and both your Da’ and Papa Joe spoke comforting things to me, put cool cloths on my neck, and supported me as best they could. Time got a little funny for me here, because I was focusing on breathing and got a little dizzy. Your Papa Joe rubbed my legs, Sharon held my head, and your Da’ got me something to eat and drink.
I got a little sick, but I knew I was going to do that. We had packed everything earlier except the snacks for the hospital, and we had a 40 minute drive to CMC, so we made our way to the car. I was getting nervous, but I knew I could trust you, that you wouldn’t hurt me and I wouldn’t hurt you, so I just kept breathing. Sharon came in the car with us and sat in the back seat with me. Your Da’ and Papa Joe were in the front and kept telling me that I was doing great. The drive seemed to take forever, but we arrived at the hospital about 5:30a.
Sharon and Papa Joe brought me up to the Obstetrics department while your Da’ parked the car. I don’t remember much about what nurses we met, but my Midwife, Gay, was on-call. She was happy to see me, and I remember Sharon asking the floor nurses to fill the birthing tub for me. I knew I wanted to have a water birth because it would be easier on us both. A nurse put the fetal monitor on my belly to make sure you were doing well, but I knew it wouldn’t work. The first 10 minutes were hard and painful, and I almost gave into the desire for medication, but I knew I couldn’t do that to either of us. I drew on the strength of those in the room, and breathed through it as best as I could. There was some concern regarding an IV. I had tested positive for Group B Strep (or gooey strep as I like to call it), and hating needles, I didn’t want the IV for the antibiotics. My Midwife spoke sternly to me and I looked to Sharon. There was a slight chance that you could get sick if I didn’t have the IV. I put my fear aside, because I needed to make sure you would be OK. The nurse who put the IV in was good, used a needle like a butterfly needle, and that was that.
You, my darling daughter, had very definite opinions in-utero, and you didn’t like anyone touching you/my belly. The last time we had a fetal monitor on you was the week prior and your Da’ saw your wee fist punch the monitor off of you! You would move away from the device, so the only thing that could be monitored was your heartbeat. We had the same problem at the hospital. I knew the nurses wouldn’t be able to get a base line on you. I knew you were OK; strong and healthy, but the nurses and midwives still wouldn’t let me into the tub. I ended up laboring for 2 hours with the fetal monitor on. I trusted you and myself, but I couldn’t express that to the nurses and midwives.
I felt that I couldn’t do this alone, so I asked your Da’, Papa Joe, and Sharon to be near me. They were all so calming and soothing, that they made my job easier. I could feel how much they loved us both, so I knew I could do this. Sharon’s presence, your Da’s touch, and his and Papa Joe’s words made all the difference.
About 8a the changing of the guard happened, so my Midwife went off duty and I met Midwife Molly. Molly was very sweet and caring, and spoke very encouragingly to me. I also started to feel like pushing about 8a. The pushing felt so good! I knew that the contractions were moving you further down into position, but being able to push, to help bring you Earthside, was amazing.
I would breathe, and feel your Da’s or Papa Joe’s hands on me, and say “I’m Huge” and push you further into position. At some point I asked for music; Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog to be specific, and your Da’ put the CD into the player. I remember singing snatches of the different songs. I was pushing hard, so hard that I was finding it hard to catch my breath. We did this for a few hours.
It was a very busy day in obstetrics, and Molly couldn’t stay with us the whole time. A nurse, Sue, started to do more to help. I would push for a long time in one position, and then they would make me move into another position. It was hard, because I was getting tired and my left side was starting to hurt, but I did what they said. Molly came back and could see your head. She said you had blonde hair! She was also nervous that you hadn’t moved down enough, and that I might have to have a c-section if you didn’t come out soon.
I looked to Sharon, and felt scared. Of all the options out there, I did not want to have a c-section. I did not want surgery. I wanted to have you naturally, and I knew I could do that if Molly gave me enough time. You could not be rushed, and I wanted to give you the time you needed to make your appearance.
Molly got a doctor – Dr. Gelber – to check if you could be delivered naturally or not. Dr. G had a nice smile, was very reassuring, and had me push HARD. He saw your head, and all your hair. He thought I could have you naturally, and started to coach me with breathing and pushing. I wasn’t in the best position, and your Da’, Papa Joe, and Sue helped me by holding my legs and pulling them back. I pushed and pushed, and kept saying “I’m Huge! I’m Big! I’m Open!” because I knew if I believed that, it would happen! I would grow and stretch so you could pop out.
The last 10 minutes were hard. I felt burning sensations, and realized I was holding back with pushing. I realized that while my legs were being pulled back, I was pushing against them, instead of pushing into them. It hurt, and I remember screaming. I asked Dr. G to help me and that I didn’t think I could do this without help, but he told me I could. I brought a hand down and could feel the top of your head. I could feel the long hair that everyone was telling me about. I pushed hard, screamed again, and focused on your Da’s and Papa Joe’s voices. Your Da’ started crying, telling me that you were coming and that it was incredible.
I felt a pop, and suddenly your head was out. I screamed again as your shoulders came through. Dr. G said “Once More” and I pushed hard. Your Papa Joe was at my back (I was on my side) and your Da’ was next to Dr. G. I felt a huge release, and you shot out of my body like a rocket. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog had played over and over (about 9 times) during labor. You came out to the theme song! It seemed very appropriate, and quite dramatic!
A lot of nurses and a pediatrician had come in at some point towards the end of my labor. Your Da’ ended up cutting the cord, and you given to the pediatrician. Apparently there was meconium in my amniotic fluid, and you got some of it in your lungs, and were a bit stressed from the 5 hours of heavy pushing and laboring.
I got to hold you, briefly, once the pediatrician cleared out your lungs, but you were having some problems so you were taken to the nursery. You were very pale and needed some oxygen. Your Da’, Papa Joe and I were very concerned, but Dr. Satish, the neonatalist, was amazing. He thought you might have an infection (possibly gooey strep), and made sure you got antibiotics right away.
Sue, the nurse who had helped so much during your birth, helped me get cleaned up, and we all waited to hear back about how you were doing. Sharon got us some food, and continued to make me feel better just with her presence.
I felt so aware after you were born. I felt encased in bliss and love. Your Da’ and I checked on you in the nursery about an hour after you were born. You did have an infection, but your colour had improved vastly. You had some problems regulating your breathing, so your head was under a “fishbowl” so you could get some extra oxygen. You looked like an astronaut!
I couldn’t get past how beautiful you looked! I was in such awe of you (I still am!).
Your Da’ and Papa Joe told me they were very proud of me, but all I did was listen to my body and listen to you.
You arrived Earthside Friday March 27, 2009 at 12:57pm. You were 20 inches long, and while the nurses thought you weighed 8 lb 14oz, you actually weighed 9 lb 4 oz.
You ended up having to stay in the hospital through April 1, to make sure that you had the right antibiotics in your system to take care of the infection. Your Da’ and I took you home that afternoon on April 1, 2009.
I can’t fully describe how much it is that I love you. You have changed my life so much, not just in the time you’ve been with us Earthside, but the near 10 months I carried you. I did something I never thought I could do. I am so blessed you chose me as your Mama. I love you tremendously, my Daikini Baby, my sweet Fae child, my Darling Rowan.
Love,
Mama
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