New Music

I've decided that this year, 2013, is the year that I am going to learn some new music.

First on the list is "River's Jig" from Firefly. It's an actual trad tune, and how lucky am I that one of my dear's already knew the tune and taught it to me!  I'm a very happy camper about this.

Second on the list is Music from Tolkein. I have a book of Tolkein's songs and they are so lovely. I think they will translate really well to fiddle as well as voice.  I'm going to pick 3 tunes/songs to work on.

Third on the list are 10 tunes (generic Celtic) that people keep asking me to play.

Fourth on the list are Gypsy tunes. I am not going to go crazy (hahahh, too late ;>). I'm going to pick 4 tunes and work on them.

I think the next step will be to write down the names of the tunes/songs.... I guess I'd best do that before I pack all the books before we actually get on the road to AZRF, huh...

*crossposted at Fiddlemama on Tumblr.

Hello and Goodbye

3 months. No blogging. Bad blogger. No biscuit. 

The transition from my regular fall show to a new show was less than stellar. I was rarely online, and I couldn't even begin to write how things were going. Combine that with electronics that were fritzing out the last 3 weeks, well... I'm lucky that I can get online now. 

It's 12 minutes until the calendar turns from December 2012 to January 2013. 

Watching the NYE shows I am already inundated with dieting ads. Apparently I'm fat, and so is everyone else in the the Western world. Oh, and Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, so she's going to continue dieting with Weight Watchers.  

It's 8 minutes until the calendar turns from December 2012 to January 2013.

My cat is asleep next to me. Jenny McCarthy is supposed to kiss some shmoe based on twitters.  Also, she should NEVER say "OMG, I can't believe I'm going to do.... THAT!" Seriously, who the FUCK says OMG. I weep for the world. I kind of wish some Weeping Angels would find Ms. McCarthy and transport her to some other world.

It's 6 minutes until the calendar turns from December 2012 to January 2013.

My daughter is asleep. She's dreaming. She smiles in her sleep. I love this.

It's 5 minutes until the calendar turns from December 2012 to January 2013. 

I have no resolutions. I do have intentions. Time to put them into action. Time to watch the wheel turn. Time to breathe. Time to release. 

It's 3 minutes until the calendar turns. 

December 2012

January 2013

Intentions count.

(crossposted at freerangefiddler)

Musical bullets

Lots of musical things jumble tumbling in my brain.

• I've 3 weekends to catch up on from PARF, and my short-term memory is completely collapsing in terms of the details. 
• There was a huge kerfuffle involving Amanda F. Palmer and  "free" musicians.
• I have new (to me) music books, all involving Gypsy fiddle tunes.
• Jimmy, the crotchety old man fiddle I've been borrowing for the better part of a year is going to go back to his owner, so I'm breaking in a new, as yet un-named fiddle. All I know about this fiddle is that it's a boy. To be specific, and to quote my friend Duglas, it's a young teen-age boy. 
• I've only got 2 more weekends at PARF before heading to CRF. 
• Did I mention the packing & cleaning that needs to get done?

When did it become July?

Finally getting my shit together and I realize that I've not posted here since February. 5 months ago.  This is what happens when I don't have reliable internet & feel like I can't take the time to write.  I had gotten very good at writing several times a week so I'd have things in the hopper to post.  Time to start that again, me'thinks.

Dear Gods, did I just say "me'thinks"? *sigh*  Lets recap and then look to the future....

Arizona was fantastic in a lot of ways and a little sucktastic in some ways.  There was a bit of a "come to Jesus" experience that I'll be writing about later. Suffice to say, there was a lot that I learned at AZRF.

DB and I spent 3 weeks in Texas at 4Winds.  It's a really sweet little faire, key word being little.  The faire has a ton of potential, and I'm hoping that the changes management is making for next year really help it turn the corner. I really enjoyed re-connecting with folks I'd not seen in close to 5 years.  I think DB had fun being able to spend all day, every day, with me.  Big learning experience for me at 4Winds was not having a nanny.  I'd not had my girl with me for a full festival day, while working, in a *long* time.  It was actually a lot harder now that she's older and far more mobile.

After Texas we were at VARF in Spotsylvania, VA. VARF is close enough to Itown that we went back and forth most every weekend. VARF was a blast.  I hadn't worked a full season at VARF since DB was born.  I took what I learned at AZRF, applied it to VARF and things went smashingly well.

Celtic Fling happened after VARF, and it was a BLAST.  Celtic Fling is a huge event at the PARF site, and I was thrilled to be in the company of some amazing bands (Barleyjuice, Tartanic, and Albannach to name a few). Fling is one of the few events I perform at where I'm not in garb, don't have an accent, and am not doing improv in the lanes. It's such an odd feeling for me being there, but I have a terrific time. I'm one of two bands that are listed as "Traditional", and I got a ton of complements from folks who were looking for trad music, not Celtic Rock, Celtic Punk, Celtic Not Traditional. It made me feel pretty good.

Since Fling I've played some private functions and weddings. SLO faire is in 3 weeks, then PARF hits in full force in August. The new show for this year is CRF  in October & November, and then I head to LARF in December.  I may have a few gigs in CT later this month, but I've not got confirmation of them yet.

What else is going on.
Lets see, DB is 3. I'm realizing how much I do not love this age. My sweet, mostly well behaved child, doesn't really have tantrums, doesn't scream or bite daughter is now a pod-person. OK, not really, but this is the first time she is actually being somewhat textbook with her behaviour. I really don't care for it. Seriously, Do.Not.Like.

We are now owned by 2 kitties.  Lyric and Mishka. Lyric, as some of you may know, was born at PARF. She's pudging out a bit, but I think that's because she's eating the "senior" food. Mishka is our new "baby".  After some debate, we think she's about 12. She was a stray found in AZ. She is a pure white Turkish Angora with one green eye and one blue eye.  She was found severely underweight (near skeletal). Through some odd turn of events she ended up with us.  She is an incredibly loving and tolerant kitty.  She and Lyric get along pretty well, and she is a great traveler. We really did luck out in that aspect. With as much traveling as we do, having 2 cats that are good travelers is amazing.

Kickstarter is on a slight hiatus. *sigh* Between my schedule and lack of internet, things are at a standstill.  My hope is to have everything up and running by August. Along that line, I'm shooting to have my Bandcamp up at the same time.  Fingers crossed...

NEW and SHINY, I have an account at Reverbnation  I am learning how to use it, but please check it out. :)  I've also got a new music project in the works, but it's Super Sekret right now!

My friend Hel introduced me to unfuck your habitat and my friend Becca introduced me to nirvanahq. Both sites have been increasingly helpful with managing my ADD. I highly recommend the sites to anyone looking for some help with organisation, ADD is not required. ;> I'm so late to the game with so many things. Today I made an account on Tumblr. I've linked this blog to that one, so now I'm on two platforms. Yeah, I'm technologically slow.

I just looked at the clock. It's way past pumpkin time, and I'm still awake.  Why am I still awake? This does not please me.  OTOH, lookit me making a long-ass blog post, and posting on multiple platforms. Go me.  Go me, right to bed. G'night, Moon.

Placeholder... really...

Yup, just a placeholder.  Why?  'Cause this week is busy as all get out!  

Quick recap: DB and I got to AZRF and survived opening weekend. Survived really isn't a good word.  Opening weekend was made of awesomesauce.  The weather was wonderful, the crowds were really sweet and welcoming, and we had a ton of fun. This week we have student days, followed by a three-day-weekend as we're open on President's day.  Did I mention the being busy as all get out?

Yesterday was Lupercalia/Valentine's/Tuesday.  All in all it was a good day.  There were cards in the mail, food shopping with friends after work, and loads of music and camaraderie as we all played in the rain for most of the Student day.  

As for now, I need to do the last of the unpacking, put the pork chops in the oven, and get ready for our next Student day (tomorrow).

Check this space soon for updates! ;>

Love, 

Mel

Stuff and Life on the Road

I wrote this on January 2, 2012.  What makes it more relevant now, as opposed to 15 days ago, is that I'm leaving for AZRF in 10 days. 

2011 was an interesting year for me, and don't get me started on how interesting is a terrible descriptor. I know, I know, I know. Moving on, 2011 was definitely interesting. When I was in Arizona last year I found a Winnebago. For those of you new here, I've been a performer on the Renaissance festival circuit for several years, but I went closer to being full time on the road last year. Being on the road this year was eye opening. I worked new shows, met a lot of wonderful people, and had some incredible experiences. In 2011 my daughter and I traveled to Arizona, Virginia, California, Pennsylvania and Louisiana. In 2012 I'm looking to expand our travels to Carolina, Texas, Maryland and Wisconsin.

Going back to the Winnebago, or as I call her, the 'Bagel. Living in a 23 foot RV is a very different experience, especially when you're a pack rat. Oh, and living with a 2 year old and a cat. Space is, in a word, limited.

Most of my friends who live on the road have reached a point where stuff is just stuff, and they really don't need a lot of stuff. I'm not there. Don't get me wrong, I want to be there, I'm just not there yet. I have stuff. I have a LOT of stuff. I did a huge purge of stuff when I moved from Groton to Ithaca last September, but there's still so much left. I've been pretty good about not replacing the stuff I got rid of with new stuff, but the stuff I still have just seems to have increased in size. Stuff that isn't necessarily important or necessary, but it has an emotional attachment. The stuff I need to get rid of doesn't need emotional attachment.

I need to get over this sense of emotional attachment to stuff. Some things are important, like my grandmother's sewing box. Some things are less-so, like the board games I never play. Looking around my house, I see stuff. I see stuff EVERYWHERE! Stuff in crates, tubs/totes and boxes. Part of me wants to take everything that's in boxes or tubs/totes and just bring them to Salvo. Not open them, just bring them. The problem with that is I'd wonder what was in there. Then I'd fret. Then I'd obsess. Then the ADD would really kick in and I'd be forever wondering what it was that I'd gotten rid of. I'd probably go back down to Salvo and try to find my stuff. That leaves the next option of sorting through each tub/tote and box. This option is not fabulous as I get lost in the minutia. Seriously, I can look through 1 tote and hours will by and I still won't be done. Just thinking about this is making me twitchy. Bottom line, whether or not I go full time on the road, the sheer amount of stuff in my life needs to decrease.

One of the folks I met this year was Anika. She is a sweet wonderful person with a ready smile. She's relatively new to life on the road, and she's loving it. She's adapted to it quickly and I think she really gets what it's about. To quote her,and this is from her blog, "When I made the decision to leave, I packed everything I owned into my Jeep.  I got rid of all my nick-nacks, which really serve no purpose but to remind you of fond memories, donated most of my books and clothes to the library and goodwill, and drove to Pennsylvania.  While living there for three months, Kurt and I basically reconstructed my house (a small pop-up trailer) from scratch. I lived in this new house for 7 weeks in Louisiana, and now it travels with me everywhere I go. After living in Oklahoma for a few weeks, I will then be traveling to Arizona and next, Texas. 

It sounds too corny to say that the "home is where the heart is", so how about "home is where my Jeep is"? Every day I am amazed by all the wonderful people I have met and things I have seen that I would not have gotten to otherwise."

Being on the road is amazing. Every place we go we make new friends, new family. There's community. There are things I get to see and show my daughter, that we wouldn't see if we didn't travel. And each time I've gotten rid of things, of clutter, it's been incredibly freeing. It felt good. It definitely soothed some of my ADD triggers. It made life easier.

The next question, what do I really need vs. what do I think I need.   As of January 17, I have 10 days to figure it out.

A little bit of blather

I had a pretty good weekend. It finally felt like Winter for more than a few hours or even for one day. I got some snippets of things written, but nothing really flowed the way I was hoping for.  I think I have too many thoughts bouncing around in my brain for things to really come together.  Iinstead of trying to force the words out I picked Lily up and practiced for an hour. I picked 4 Irish tunes, 2 Cantigas, 2 classical pieces and the Csardas, which I've wanted to work on for years.  I took two hours for a break and then went back to it. I practiced for one more hour and then stopped. Most of what I picked to play had very little shifting, so my wrist didn't ache to much.  I worked on my posture so my right shoulder wasn't too stiff.  After practice I stretched for a while, and all told I feel pretty good  I don't think I can practice for two hours every day, but I can certainly shoot for one hour a few days a week.

The AZRF cross-country trip is looming. LOOMING!  Seriously, I leave in 11 days. What can someone do in 11 days? Well, y'all are about to find out.  Are you ready?  Good!

*long pause*

Well, not right now. Right now I have to eat. Right now I have to work on uploading tunes to my Bandcamp account. Right now I have to stop worrying about leaving for AZRF in 11 days.  Right now...

Cue the VanHagar!

I so miss Pop Up Video.  And in case you don't know the lyrics to "Right Now", here ya go.

Don't wanna wait 'til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One by one, little problems
Build up, and stand in our way. Oh

One step ahead, one step behind it
Now ya gotta runt o get even
Make future plans I'll dream about yesterday, hey!
Come on turn, turn this thing around

(Right Now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right Now) Come on, it's everything
(Right Now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Miss a beat, you lose a rhythm
An nothin' falls into place. No!
Only missed by a fraction
Slipped a little off your pace. Oh!

The more things you get, the more you want
Just trade in one for another
Workin' o hard to make it easy
Whoa, got to turn. Come on, turn this thing around

(Right Now) Hey! It's your tomorrow

(Right Now) Come on, it's everything
(Right Now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

Said a lie to me
Right now
What ar ya waitin' for? Oh! Yeah!
Right Now

(Guitar Solo)


(Right Now) Hey! It's your tomorrow
(Right Now) Come on, it's everything
(Right Now) Catch your magic moment
Do it right here and now
It means everything

It's what's happening
Right here and now
Right now, it's right now
Right now, it's right now
Oh!
Tell me, what are ya waitin' for?
Turn this thing around

Going through the motions

2012.  I haven't touched my blog since May 2011. (The post prior to this doesn't count, as it's from 4/8/11)  It's been just over 7 months.  It's a new year.  To quote Dr. Horrible, "It's a brand new day..." I'm not a big one for new year's resolutions.  They don't work for me. I am, however, all for working on changing behaviours that need adjusting.  Maybe it's semantics, but I look at like I look at dieting.  Diets don't work.  Changing the patterns of how I eat and what I eat does work. It's a lifestyle change, not a quick fix.

So what do behaviours do I want to change? I think one of the biggest is that I need to let things go and let things out.  I have  bottled up so many things and it does me no good.  I want to do so many things and be creative in so many ways, and I take steps to start but never seem to get over the hump to make these things consistent.  I'd like to change that this year.  As for being creative, I'd like to play more music and write more. With that, I offer you this, my first post of 2012.

***

I'm curled up on my bed, Lyric is curled up on my body pillow and as I'm typing this I'm watching Grimm for the first time. I was very excited when I heard Grimm and Once Upon A Time were airing. While I really miss having cable, I adore Hulu and Streaming Netflix. In my copious spare time I try to catch up on things, but I'm finding that I have sweet little copious spare time. Being a huge fan of TV, I find this somewhat inconvenient. Who wants to clean the kitchen or put the laundry away when The Big Bang Theory is on, or House, or Sanctuary, or Eureka, or How I Met Your Mother, or Backyardigans... dear Gods.... Backyardigans. :shudder: Now I need to add Grimm to the list.

When I say that I'm a huge fan of TV, I mean a Huge.Fan.Of.TV. I grew up in a house full of TV's. FFS, my grandparents had a small TV in their kitchen. My folks moved us to Fort Salonga when I was in the 3rd grade. It was a ginormous contemporary in the woods. There was a sunken living room, a finished basement that I never went into, and my bedroom had a Dutch door. I had a frelling Dutch Door!!!  Suffice to say, I thought my bedroom was awesome, and it was probably my favourite bedroom of all time. The best part of this, however, was the fact that my brother and I had TV's in our bedrooms. You read that right, I was in the 3^rd grade and had a TV in my bedroom.  I believe I was 7 going on 8, but I can't remember. Jeeze, maybe if Snufleupagus and Big Bird were involved I'd remember, but I digress.


So my family had just moved to Fort Salonga and I didn't have a lot of friends.  I made the TV my friend. I talked about TV all the time. I watched TV all the time. To this day, I can tell you about the search for “Mount Snuffleupagus” in fantastic detail.  The fact that I would regale my family with tales of what happened on The New Zoo Review and Sesame Street every single day was probably the first clue to my folks that I was watching too much TV. I know the undiagnosed ADD didn't help with the fact that I could sit down in front of the TV and watch for literally hours and not realize how much time had gone by.

After the whole nearly burning down my bedroom at 5am because of some faulty wiring, but that's another story, my parents decided that I was watching too much TV and took the TV out of my bedroom.  At some point I didn't watch TV at all during the week until I was in high school which led to my love affair with reading, but again that's a different story. After I moved out of my parents house I had cable. I had cable in every apartment and house I lived in. I had cable until about 5 or so years ago because it just got too expensive. I miss it. I miss being able to watch the newest episodes of things when the originally air. I miss being able to watch whatever I want whenever I want. I miss the luxury of it.

Not having cable or watching much TV in the past few years combined with being on the road more has changed my opinion on TV a little. I'm not so married to the idea of having to keep up with my “stories”. I'm ok with not having cable. The time I spent glued to the tube can be spent doing other things, like playing with my daughter, or reading, or cooking, or practicing, or cleaning, or having sex. That doesn't mean that when I have completely free time that I don't plant myself in front of the computer and catch up on things. I do. (Still watching Grimm as I type this out.) It just means I don't get hooked all the time. Or most of the time. Really I need to go to bed, but there's just 2 more episodes before I'm caught up. Did I mention that tomorrow is still part of the holiday weekend?

***

I wrote that post last night with the full intention of posting it, but I fell asleep watching Grimm.  Right now I've got season 6 of Buffy streaming onto my TV and I just finished watching "Once More With Feeling" as I edited this post.  As for now, I think I'll keep Buffy on, make some tea and start conquering Mt. Washmore.  Seriously, I can turn it off at any time...

Is Wednesday the new Monday?

It can't be Wednesday, but I know it is.  The calendar states today is Wednesday. The calendar wouldn't lie, right?

• There are new sheets on the bed. 
• The laundry is in the washer.
• The dishes are done.
• It's a quiet, sunny-grey afternoon.
• It's just lunch time.

Surely Wednesdays move faster than this.

Mondays normally have a certain rhythm. 

• The "I don't want to get out of bed" start to the day. 
• The lazy feel to everything.
• The sense of time moving like frozen honey.

Very strange...I wonder how to properly take advantage of this. What should I try to accomplish in this strange time warp. The mind boggles.

Not this kind of Time Warp

Love, 

Mel

Insert Witty Title Here (AKA I haven't gone to bed yet and it's 6:15am)

I really want to go to sleep.  Truly.  Seriously.  But I would have to wake up in 3.5 hours.  I don't think that's enough sleep.  I've checked the usual suspects.

• It's not the full moon.  
• Mercury isn't retrograde. 
• I didn't drink tea or coffee after 5p. (Make that tea, as I didn't have any coffee today/yesterday.) 
• There aren't any freaky noises coming from inside or outside the house. 
• I'm not in the middle of a gripping novel that I can't put down. 
• I'm not engrossed in any of my "Stories".

What the hell, man?!?

Maybe it's time to back away from the computer and close my eyes.  Then again, maybe I should just start up a pot of coffee now and hope for the best.  Either way, I think it's a crap shoot.

I know... I'll flip a coin.  If I was going to be incredibly geeky about this I'd get my camera and document the coin toss.  I am now, however, feeling that ambitious, so ya'll will have to trust me on this.  WAIT!  I can do this in an appropriately geeky fashion!  Here we go....

Heads I get into bed. Tails I stay up. I'm using a 1913 Liberty Head Nickel as they don't have any NYS quarters or Sacajawea's.

And... TOSS!  OK then.... bed time it is!  Sweet Dreams.

Stoking the fire

It's 5:50p in Apache Junction.  It's Wednesday.  I'm blogging.  I'm pretty happy about this. Of course, I've no clue what I want to blog about, but lets sojourn forward.

We're officially at the half-way point of the AZRF.  It's shocking, but true.  I'm enjoying being here.  I love this show.  The people (patrons, actors, musicians, staff & crafters) are wonderful.  The show itself is beautiful.  It's comfortable being here (at this time of year.  Don't even think about coming here when the hot weather shows up). And, as much as I adore the winter I am thrilled that DB and I have missed all the storms over the past month.  I'm not looking forward to going back to NY because I will miss everyone here  Still, I need to head back. There is so much to do in the next 4 weeks.  I'm applying for shows across the country.  I'm looking to book a number of new gigs (not just faires).

One of the reasons I've been out-of-sorts is because I'm trying to figure out the best way to combine all that I do.  In simple terms: Mama, Musician, Poet, Reiki Master. Of course, I've been working on this for a while, but it takes time.

The trailer is slowly becoming home, which is nice.  We're much more comfortable this year as compared to last year in Serenity.  There are so many storage spaces, that we're still not as unpacked as I'd like to be.  I just don't know the best place to put things.  This, of course, has led to some ADD triggers as there's a touch of clutter everywhere. Clutter Sucks.  Seriously.  I have my moments where I feel like my head will implode, but what helps me out a lot is DB.  Unasked for hugs and kisses.  Little songs. Conversations.  She really is incredible.  Don't just take my word for it, here's a picture from today. It's astounding to me that she'll be 2 years old at the end of March.

Mischievous Child

So the trailer is lovely, and we're making it more homey every day.  In addition to the clutter, I have 2 boxes of papers that are unsorted.  I think that's really what's throwing me into a tizzy.  Unsorted Paper is evil.  I know many of you won't believe me, but it's true.  It may not be as bad for you as High Fructose Corn Syrup or Cigarettes, but trust me, it's EVIL.  Today I made some headway and pulled the boxes down from the high shelf.  Now they can't hide.  Everything is in these boxes.  Gig info, CD info, bills, receipts.  All the important things I haven't dealt with yet. Now I have to take are of them.  OK, maybe not now.  Probably tomorrow.  The point is that I pulled them down.  It's the small victories that count.

And with that, it's time to made dinner, skype with friends, and head out to the Rescue Rally.

Om & cuteness

I know that the Om is a popular concept in the real world, but in the Ren Faire world, it's not just popular, it's infectious.  Seriously, it's like a disease, but in a good way.  By this, I mean that nearly everyone I've met has an Om on their person (jewelry/tattoo/accoutrement), in their trailer/house, or their vehicle.  Before joining the ranks of Traveler, I didn't see Om's that often.  I'd heard about the concept, but I didn't really know anyone that LIVED the concept of Om.

Om is pretty awesome. To take a quote from the Wikipedia page, Om has the literal meaning of "It is" or "Will be". It is the aorist future form of Agu "to become". With all the crazy in my life, Om has become really important to me.  The funny thing is that I almost feel like a poser with the Om's I have around me.  I have a few.  I have one on a piece of jewelry, one on a pouch, and one on a wall hanging in my kitchen.  I look at the symbol and almost instantly feel relaxed and a sense of calm.  The reason I feel like a poser is because I don't necessarily "Live the Om" or embody the what the Om signifies like so many folks I know do.  I'm getting there, though.  Here's the Om in my kitchen.

One of the folks I've been spending a bunch of time with is Auntie Raven (not her real name).  She's a fantastic singer and storyteller at AZRF.  She and DB have really bonded, which is awesome.  Here's a picture of the two of them watching Findng Nemo.  Well, zoning out, right before bedtime.  This pic is from this weekend, Pirate Weekend, at AZRF.  One of the fun things about Auntie Raven, is that even though she doesn't have an Om's, she really does embody the spirit of Om.  She is one of the most positive and grounded people I've ever met. 

And with that, I'm off to Bedfordshire.  Tomorrow is going to be another fabulous day, even with the wet weather we're expecting.  I'm looking forward to it.  I've got the best job in the world.  I get to play, make music, and meet new people.  It doesn't matter what crap is going on in my life, as long as I can make music things will be good.

Nighty night.

The ins and outs of it

I'm sitting on the couch/at the table in our trailer, and I'm shocked at how time has flown by.  As of today I'll have been living at the AZRF site for three weeks.  Time is so fluid down here.  The third weekend of faire will be here in two days. TWO days.  It's mind blowing.

I've been sticking close to the trailer, spending time with a small group of friends, and just remembering to breathe.  I'm not really into my groove yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer to it.

Cooking in the trailer has been an experience, and my favourite thing to make is Terry Foy Delight. It's a quickie crock pot dish that sounds like it wouldn't be good, but it really is delicious.  I've also started drinking tea on a regular basis again.  My new favourite is the Revolution Chai.

I thing the big thing is that I feel really disconnected. The twitter client I was using went away (UberTwitter) and I've only just found UberSocial. The 'net access on site is much better this year, but I'm just not spending as much time online as I was in NY.

DB has fallen in love with Finding Nemo.  She wants to watch it every day, and she enjoys talking about Nemo and Dory.  She's not as enthralled with the sea turtles, but she's young.  I'm teaching her "Fin" and "Noggin".

This is one of those times where my brain is petering out. Time for me to head off, enjoy a cuppa, and read before I head to bed.

An earth shattering kaboom!

Actually, it's the opposite of kaboom.  It's an earth shattering SILENCE! I don't mean my life has been silent. I mean I've been been up to my eyeballs in life, but my online presence has been tucked away, packed in moth balls.

Why, I can hear you ask, have you been off-line?  It's more fun to e'splain rather than to sum up.

First, there was the influx of snow which delayed the drive across the country for 5 days.
After that passed, there was the actual drive across the country which took 4 days.
Once our destination was reached there was the panic of "Where Are We Going To Live?!"
After a homestead was figured out there was the unpacking and settling in of said homestead.
In addition to that came the preparation for beginning of the Arizona Renaissance Festival.
On top of all of this, my normal quickie communication, UberTwitter, apparently got slapped down, so I have essentially been incommunicado.

Things are not quite so hectic, but they're not really settled either.  Winnebago life is new to me, and while I'm enjoying it, it does take some getting used to.  I'm taking the rest of this week to get organised, then my re-entry into the 'Netosphere can begin anew.

Until then, my dears, Be Excellent Unto Each Other!

What's it really about

This blog doesn't really have a focus.  I have a personal blog on LiveJournal as well as a NeidFyre blog, an unused Myspace account, my website NeidFyre.com, and a facebook account. I twitter constantly, and am fond of FourSquare.  Facebook really isn't the place for blogging. My LiveJournal blog is private. Myspace is not for me. I don't really think blogging in 140 characters or less counts as blogging, and FourSquare is all about Location Location Location. That leaves me here, at Fiddlemama.

Fiddlemama seems to be my catch-all place.  Originally this was where I was going to post my letters and notes to my daughter.  I write my daughter a letter or note every day, you see.  It's more for me than it is for her, but it's something I really wanted to do.  It didn't feel right doing it online, so I have a paper journal for that. That leaves me with the dilemma again of this blog not having a focus.

I've posted about my struggles with ADD here. I've posted about teaching here. I've posted about gigs here. I've posted my poetry here. It still doesn't feel like home, though.  I feel like a guest in my own space, and that's just bloody uncomfortable.

Perhaps the blog doesn't need a focus, and I need to accept it for what it is. I'm not pithy or wise. I am not the most eloquent writer, and my grammar often sucks eggs.  Thank the Gods there's a spell check here, because spelling is not my strongest suit.  This blog isn't here to impress people, it's here for me.  Don't get me wrong, I'd like to impress people.  I'd like to entertain people. I'd like it if this blog started getting hit upon hit, and people did think I was pithy and wise. Of course, none of that will happen if I ignore this space or if I only write once or twice a month. It's hard to talk the talk if I'm not willing to actually do the necessary work.

What do I mean, "do the necessary work"? It means writing. It means making music. It means actually living in the world instead of wandering with insecure purpose. I'm so tired of feeling insecure with my dreams and desires. Who does it serve to live like that? Not my daughter, and certainly not me.

I don't want broken promises, or empty solutions. I'd like some more substance with my subsistence.

Progression Lesson

I'm tired of false starts. I'm tired of living life through a bubble. I'm tired of regrets and broken promises to myself. I'm pieces of a puzzle, but the puzzle changes and I never seem to get it put together.  I don't find any of this to be particularly helpful in actually living my life. 

I've been thinking about joy, life, and the future.  What's important, what's not important, how I want to live my life. What matters, what doesn't matter, and not caring what people think about me.  These things have been rolling in my brain.  Now I need to bring them, these things, to life.  I need to manifest what it is that I want out of my life.  I need to cut loose the anchors that are no longer needed. There is life out there, and I'd like to join the party.

What is progress? For me, I think writing is progress.  I think making music and listening to music is progress. I think getting my dishes washed is progress.  I think not eating veggie sticks for dinner when I'm home alone is progress.  I think taking my meds, On Time, is progress. I think I've made some progress today.

I have to admit, while I don't really like change, I like progress. Progress is lovely.  Progress is healing and lessons learned.  I think I'm ready.

The hope and promise of office supplies

I am a packrat.
There, I've said it.

I looked up the definition earlier at dictionary.com.

Packrat
noun
1. a collector of miscellaneous useless objects
2. any of several bushy-tailed rodents of the genus Neotoma of western North America; hoards food and other objects

While I'm not bushy-tailed, or a member of the genus Neotoma, I do fit the rest of the description.  This is relevant for two reasons.
1. My house is filled with STUFF. Boxes, upon knickknacks, upon boxes of Stuff.
2. I am in the process of packing as we need to move by the end of summer.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time.  Part of it is ADD-related and feeling overwhelmed.  Part of it is the sheer amount of stuff that needs going through, which also feeds into the ADD issues.  Part of it is that my darling DB sees what I'm doing and wants to help. That means that things I've put in the box to recycle, or bring to the thrift store, or pack get UNpacked.  These things lead to a very unmotivated Me.  I'd rather be playing FB games, watching hulu.com, or practicing.  Basically, I'd rather be doing anything else.  Heck, I'd even go to the dentist if it would get me out of packing. Sadly, I can't do those other things because I must be strong. I must pack.

I've been through most of the book shelves for the first purging, and I've gotten rid of 5 bags of books.  It feels good to have divested, but I feel so sad.  Those books were like old friends.  I didn't want to say good bye to them, but I had to.  Next on the list are the office supplies.

I adore office supplies.  They hold such promise.  They will help me colour coordinate.  They will help me organise.  They will help me reach my full potential!  They will  help me feel productive! They will also clutter my space.  Pinning my hopes on inanimate objects to help me with such things has never really worked, but it's not stopped me from hoarding pens, post-its, staples, push pins, and folders.

So many emotions are caught up in the clutter of my life.  In truth, the emotions and memories take up so much less (physical) space, there's no real need for me to hold onto the tangible objects.  That empty bottle of seltzer tells me that it was the first bottle of seltzer I drank, on my own, and enjoyed.  It tells me that it was a hot night, and cranberry lime seltzer really hit the spot. It's also been sitting on the floor, under my desk, for the past several months.  Recently it took on new life as a toy for my 15 mos old daughter, but really I don't need to keep it.  She has plenty of toys, and I can grab another bottle of seltzer from the cupboard when I get thirsty.  I can get rid of that bottle Any Time.  You just watch me.

BEFORE

AFTER

EDIT: Not only is the damn water bottle gone, but the floor is swept and mostly clear. Go me. :D

Thinking outloud when ones head is over-full

I may have mentioned earlier that my brain is full.  It feels stuffed with chaos, disorder, crap, and indecision. There are times when I just don't know how to sort it, let alone deal with all the things I'm thinking. Normally, when things get like this, my ADD takes me in one of two directions: 1) Super Hyper-Focus 2) Withdrawal & Hibernation.  Sadly, neither of those directions are very effective for forward motion.


Trying to combat this, I took stock and decided to have a "Me" afternoon.  I took 2 hours for me while MissT watched the Daikini Baby. After that the two of us hung out with a friend and his son in the A/C at the Mall. In addition to not functioning well with an over-full brain, I function even less well (is that even a real phrase?) in the heat and humidity.  One thing about Upstate NY, we have weather. It's not like Texas weather, which will change every 5 minutes, Upstate NY weather is consistent. OK, it's not consistent day-to-day, but given half a chance, it'll be consistent for a few hours.  This afternoons consistency was made of humid, hot, sunny weather. 


While I had an excellent time with my friend, my daughter & my friend's son, my brain kept wandering off.  Silly misfiring of things like "I like how chocolate shakes feel on my tongue" to "Breastfeeding in public isn't that bad. I can't believe how less ashamed of my body I am since I had #DB" to "Those archer farms' hummus chips last night were so tasty".  Now, take those three things and multiply them by 25.  Now, take all those things, and pretend the inside of your head has a radio broadcast on.  If you're still with me, turn the volume on all those radio broadcasts to a point where you can almost hear them, but not quite. This, my dear friends, is what goes on in my head all the time.

My friend Marrus said to me 2 weeks ago at SCRF, "You talk a LOT." She's right, I do. I talk to everything. I talk to trees, elevators, people, birds, my lunch, even my phone (as well as talking to people ON my phone). What I'm wondering now is if all that external conversation and noise is an outward reflection of my inner conversations. Don't get me wrong, I adore talking to trees. They are wonderful listeners, and an excellent source of comfort. I do wonder, though, if I could be silent for a while what it is that I'd hear, both in my head and out.

These are the things I'm going to ponder as I sit in the silence of my studio, and try not to talk to my tea mug.